driftfleet | 'cause it's better than nothing

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'cause it's better than nothing

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ROOMS BY CHARACTER

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Otono-Tachibana Makie

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Sandalio "Biffy" de Rabiffano

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(last updated: 1/25/19)

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I'm not sue comfortable is the right word. [Although he looks down in thought. Was it? Had he become comfortable with the idea? After a moment of thinking it over he decides that is the truth. He does still tend to find a way other than causing pain when he can.] I only do it when it's the last option I have. Some people just have to be stopped and talking isn't always enough.

Yeah... No, it makes sense. If someone doesn't leave you any good options you have to use one of the bad ones. [Killing them, gravely wounding them, removing their freedom of choice and autonomy. None of it's great.] I'm sorry he put you in that position even though he's family.

He wasn't always like that. Me and him? We were so close once. Long ago. [He pauses and looks away from her to the ground.] Is it wrong that part of me still wants that back? Even after everything he's done?

I-- there are times I don't think I can forgive him. And then sometimes I so badly want to.

No, it's not wrong. Of if it is I'd be wrong in the same way. I have people like that. Like Piotr. [She squeezes his hand again and gently rubs it with her thumb.] He was a big part of your life. It makes sense that it would be hard to let go and that you'd hope you don't really have to. Not completely.

He was good once. [He chuckles with little humor to it.] He use to be even more excited than I was about meeting more humans. I want to believe he can be like that again.

But if he can't. If he can't...

I've tried to kill him three times now, but couldn't do it. I just couldn't in the end. But, maybe now... when I've done it once... [He trails off. These thoughts he's carried in his head and has kept him awake most nights for four and a half years that he's never spoken out loud were terrifying out in the open.] I don't want to kill anyone else. Never again. [Tears are starting to stream down his face.] Not him. Not my brother, but he-- he's killed so many people. He killed Rem. What if he can't change? I know I can't go back. Things will never go back.

But...

But...

What if...

I just don't know what to do. I know I must take care of him when I go home. If I have a home to go back to and he hasn't destroyed everything. I think time might really stop, but how can we really know for sure?

I have to and I will. I just... I don't know right now. I don't know. It's been so long. I felt sure that the answer would come to me when I saw him again, but I haven't seen him. I've been here. So I don't know. I don't know!

[Welcome to the spiral that is Vash's thoughts that he usually keeps hidden deep down within himself.]

Hey, hey.... [She pulls him fully into her arms to hold him tightly.] It's okay. We're going to figure it out. You're not alone. You're not alone. [That part felt worth repeating. She even feels her eyes threatening to well up on her seeing how much this upsets him. Of course it does. He feels trapped between bad options and why wouldn't he?]

Do you know what happened to make him change? [Maybe that's the key to getting him to reconsider all of this, but if he's already killed so many people he might not be able to go back. If he lets himself regret it and feel guilty that could be too much. He'll fight that feeling. He'll double down. Still, she wants to help and she can't be there with him and if she could she doesn't know what she could do. Kill his brother for him? She's not sure that helps anyone. But what prison could hold him? What words could change him? Maybe there's a way to take his powers away, but you can still kill plenty of people without powers.]

[He listens quietly and knows that she's right.] You're right. [He returns her hug and also squeezes her tightly. Maybe a bit too tightly, but it felt good to hold someone.] I guess I've been alone for so long I forget that sometimes. [He had her here and he had Meryl back home waiting for him.]

I'm not sure, but I think-- I think it could have been something Steve did. Or something else. [He shakes his head.] It came as such a big surprise that I can't be sure. I just know he thinks he's doing what he must to protect our sisters and himself.

Maybe try asking him when you see him. Make him feel heard. See if you can help him work through whatever initial feelings set him on this path. And...they might have been bad. People weren't kind and accepting of mutants back home. It made it easier for Apocalypse to get other mutants to turn on them. It's harder to do the right thing when you get attacked by the people you're trying to help too. [If his memories showed him anything it was that they had some of that in common. They can both pass for human on the surface and he's spent his life trying to hide his differences and she works to call hers out. She wants to know exactly how people are going to treat her knowing exactly who and what she is up front. But she wasn't always like that. She hid it when it first started happening.]

I'll try. I'm not sure how well that will go, but I'll at least try. [Although he pouts just a little.] And I only attack him because he started it. [Brothers!]

I don't know if it will work either or if he'll be shooting at you on sight before you get any words out. I just know you want to find a way this doesn't end bloody. And I want that for you too. I mean...if you do go back.

[Vash is quiet for a moment. He knows the answer he needs to give, but he doesn't really want to voice it.] When I go back. [He finally says quietly. He stops hugging just enough so he can take her hand in his own. Locking their fingers together.] That's why I'm sometimes afraid of this. [He kisses their locked hands.] Because I have to go home and no one should follow me there.

[She feels a flutter of something inside when he kisses their hands after saying that.] I... I wasn't trying to hold you back. [Was she?] I just don't know if I can believe any of us are getting home. Not really. It doesn't seem like it will be a choice and we don't really know people who disappear go home. I didn't go home when I left Marina. I'm here. Other people have been multiple places. Maybe we just get passed around.

[The "and no one should follow me there" does sting a little. She started this saying they had other people they wanted to be with. Those were the terms. She hasn't changed her mind, and yet it's hard not to think about how if felt on that ferris wheel back in Marina when Reid asked her to come home with him while things were still good between them. Or how loved and wanted she felt when she and Winn would day dream about their home and lives together in National City. They always felt a little like fairy tales that seemed better than they could really be and had no way of really coming true. But she still held on to those ideas until long after they'd outlived even fairy tale viability status. Maybe this is better. It's honest. Things end. There aren't happily ever afters and if she or Vash got one it wouldn't be with each other, right? It would be Winn and Meryl. So there's no reason for it to sting. But still it does.]

I know you're not. [He kisses her hand again.] But I-- I don't want to go back. [He knows he must, but it's hard to want to go to a world that hates you. Where every day is a struggle for survival and to know you're only two of a kind. At least here in the fleet he's accepted. He gets to see so many new worlds. Experience so many different things. More importantly than that he gets to be loved for simply being who he was.]

I'm not sure they go home either. [Nothing he would freely admit if he was awake. He only likes to spread what people hope for. Only positive thoughts.] But if there's one thing I've learned is that things are always changing. That is what makes life exciting. They might not send us home, but I think one day we can find our own way there. One day we'll find where Winn is. We'll get you home too. [It's probably not exactly what she wants to hear. That he's so willing to let her go. Actively willing, but what he wants more in this life is for her to be happy and he knows where she will be most happy.

It's just not with him and he's okay with that.]

[It's a mixed feeling hearing him so willingly giving her up to a hoped for future with Winn. In a way it's a relief because then she's not the only one still thinking it. She doesn't have to harbor the same level of guilt around for it that she might otherwise. But it does make her wonder what she means to Vash. It's an unfair sort of curiosity because she doesn't know if she could put her feelings for him into words. She likes him. She cares about him. She wants the best for him. She worries about him. But when she thinks about who she loves she thinks of Winn. And she doesn't know when or if that will ever change or if she wants it to.]

Why are you so set on it if you don't want to go back? [She feels like she already knows the answer. His brother is his responsibility. He's the only one who can do something about him while also being the only one who can't.]

Because I promised her. I promised Meryl that I would return to her and I know she will still be waiting for me. I've broken so many promises, but I don't think I could live with myself if I break that one too.

[That was at least the most important reason. There was also his brother to think about. If he did not go back who would be the bridge between the humans and his sisters? How many more Plants would die from human ignorance that he could correct? If the Plants fail then the humans that Rem had given her life for, her legacy, would then also die on that dusty planet. He couldn't let her sacrifice be wasted.

Even if those things weren't involved that one promise would have him going back. Always.]

Well... I mean, don't you want to go back to her though? [Except he also said he didn't want to go back.] It's not like it's just a duty, right? You love her? [The first time she's using the L-word like this with him.]

I want to go back to her, but I don't want to go back home. I guess that's pretty selfish of me, huh? [It's not that he's lying, it's more that he believes he is being selfish.] Because, yeah, I do love her. I want her here. I want her to see all these planets. To see snow, oceans, and forests. I want her to not have to think about work all the time. I want her to be happy.

But I-- um. [He looks at Kitty for a moment as if he's afraid of what he's about to say. It's because he is afraid, but he's started and now this calibration won't allow him to stop.] I love you too. I love you both so much. [Now he was being especially selfish, but he can't help the way he feels about them.]

[She watches him as he hesitates over those words, wanting him to feel safe enough to get out whatever he wants to tell her. And when he does, it reminds her so much of Winn. Early on when she wasn't ready and he was and he was holding back how much he wanted her to go be with him in his world. She hadn't meant to make him feel so conflicted over feeling such a warm and generous thing then and she hadn't meant to now with Vash either. But she also hadn't been ready to hear it and now she's still not ready to say it back. She doesn't know exactly what she feels for him. She doesn't know if she can be actively in love with two people at once. Like he apparently can.]

Vash...

[She reaches up to touch his face, forcing herself not to look away just because she feels guilty for not being able to return those words. That feeling. And also feeling selfish because it feels good to hear that word again. Words are failing her so she shifts to wrap her arms around him.]

I care about you so much. [Is it worse to hear that now after what he just said? It feels so pale in comparison, but she does. Everything she saw today in his mind and that day in the mist where his arm was trying to fire and she talked him down and the way he remembered her birthday or assures her it's okay to long for Winn or just all of it. He's been there for her. He's good to her. And good for her. Is that love? She hasn't struggled this much to know how she's feeling since she was with Tyki and that was a very, very, very different situation.]

[He looks her in the eyes when she touches his face. Looking a little miserable right before he does. Conflicted with his own feelings of if it was selfish to love multiple people. Wasn't love beautiful and pure? Why couldn't love span past more than two or even more people so long as it was real and true?

Looking into her eyes he smiles once again. It helps him to decide that at least for him that it was true. He could love them both, but he would have to understand and accept that neither of them might agree with that.

When she doesn't return his love he doesn't look upset. If anything he's relieved that she's not pushing him away for being honest.] I know. [He whispers in an understanding tone.] And that's okay. That's enough. That's always been more than enough. [He has always known that her heart belonged to Winn and he could accept that. He still felt beyond blessed to have her care so deeply for him anyway. Even if it wasn't love on her part. It was more than he felt he deserved.

He leans in to give her a gentle kiss on her lips.]

[She holds him so much tighter when he tells her it's okay and enough. It doesn't feel like enough. It feels like he should be with someone dying to tell him she loves him every chance that she gets because he's so understanding and kind and loving. She feels so lucky to have him and so bad for not being ready to give more and not knowing if she ever will feel that way about him or anyone who isn't Winn.

And then he kisses her softly and sweetly and she pushes back into the kiss as if in apology and to show how much she cares.]

I don't know what I'd do without you. What I would have done this last year without you.

You're strong. You would have been alright eventually. [He runs his fingers though her hair as he smiles at her.] But, I'm so glad to have been there to help. Thank you. [Is that something you thank someone for? He feels like being allowed to help her is.]

[She kisses him again, more intently than before. It's a kiss with a lot of complex emotions to convey, but not the sort of passionate kiss that says it's ready for more. It might be hard to read a kiss like that but she hopes he understands. She's not sure she does.]

Thank you for making it so I didn't have to be that strong. [She knows she would have kept going. It's what she does. But any moment that is more than just survival is worth so much more. Worth a thank you at least.]

...How long have you known?

[He might not perfectly guess everything that kiss is trying to tell him, but he does understand not to ask or assume more will follow. It didn't seem right in a place like this.]

How long I've loved you? [His smile turns into one of light embarrassment.] Since the first time I told you I did and then tried to pretend that it was just the moment and I didn't mean it.

But that was... [So early. It was their first time together. She figured it was hormones or confusion since he was new to everything.] How did you know then?

Honestly? [Which it would have to be as he still can't lie right now.] I'm not really sure. I thought maybe it was just the passion and thrill of the moment. But then... it didn't go away. The more I thought about it the more I started to know that it wasn't just because of what we we did together. It was something much more than that to me. It was more that I wanted to spend time with you even if we weren't doing anything at all.

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