driftfleet | Tourist ROAD TRIP (mingle)

[ he's not sure how rational he'd be if he thought he'd lost her. it's a scary thought, that makes his heart race even faster. this is why he can't sleep, it's why he has to figure this out, impossible as it may be. if he ever woke up and she was gone - really gone - the thought hurts too much, and his voice come out defeated. ]

It's - nothing I just - have a little trouble sleeping. [ most nights ] So I..work it out, until I can get back to sleep.

...Have? [You didn't say "had" Winn. You're making it sound like this happens a lot and not just tonight.]

[ because it is, and he's feeling incredibly guilty right now for scaring her like that he can't quite bring himself to make this into some freak one time occurrence. besides, jim's noticed how sleep deprived he is, sooner or later kitty will too. it's not a big deal, and a big part of what's keeping him up is - that very thing he promised they wouldn't have to bring up ever again - so he didn't think to bother her with it. but he doesn't want to lie to her, either. ]

Yeah I'm...here most nights. [ mystery solved - he doesn't move at super speed, he just gets way more work time than anyone knows. ]

[She knows her reaction isn't his fault, but hearing that this has been going on and he has been keeping it from her hurts. Not only could he have prevented the fear she felt tonight, but he could have just been honest with her.

If the locket took her a step closer to him tonight this is several steps back.]

...Why are you hiding things from me? [The hurt is clear in her voice and her eyes as she pulls away from him.]

Kitty..

[ he's been trying so hard. ever since he got here - he's done nothing but try his hardest. he tries his hardest to get over his fear of space, he tries his hardest to be a rock for kara, be there for her, be there for kitty, not trigger her traumas, be respectful and patient. he tries his hardest to be there for cisco, to navigate the strange relationships and new roles he has with different people. he wanted to save luke - and the kid was gone in the blink of an eye, out of his reach. he wants to protect margaery, give her a better life - but that's beyond his reach too. everything is beyond his reach and his frustration, his self-directed anger, it all explodes now in the face of the hurt in kitty's voice, on her face. ]

I'm trying - I am - but I don't know what I'm allowed to say here. You want the truth, but you want me not to get your hopes up, not be like - [ like reid. he's always like. fucking. reid. he really wants to punch the guy, even if it'll end up hurting him more. he purses his lips, this isn't her fault, but he's just so frustrated. ] What do you want me to do? I'm terrified that every day I don't come up with a way to get us back to National City is a day closer to waking up without you, ok, I can't talk about it but it doesn't mean I don't think about it and it sure as hell doesn't mean I won't do something about it. [ sure, he has other fears keeping him up too. sure, he has other projects he works on during the night. but that's not what she asked - she asked why he's keeping it from her, and that's the answer to that question. ]

Winn. [Softly spoken and looking into his eyes.] Truth. I want the truth. It's the only way I can be with you. [She doesn't mean this as a threat. Just that if he's not honest and open then he's not really himself.] Let me help you.

Kitty...[ he takes her hand, trying to draw in the courage he needs to just come out and say it ] The truth is I wanna take you home with me. I wanna take practically everybody home with me because everyone's worlds are awful - why are everyone's worlds awful? [ it drives him completely insane. margaery's world is backwards, kate's is weird as hell and under so many attacks so often it needs hundreds of heroes, cisco's has reverse flash and zoom (which is one of the worst villain names he's ever heard, by the way) that give him nightmares just hearing about, sascha's never had a friend, the list just keeps going and going and how can they take it? he feels so blessed, getting to grow up in national city, and just having his family. only being hated for it. his childhood shouldn't feel like a sheltered one, but now it does. ] I can't do this. I can't - sleep when any day people can get sucked away to another prison or back to a horrible life, or the people responsible for ruining lives could be pulled in here cuz some [ addressing the ceiling now ] asshole aliens! think it's funny.

[She leans in pressing her forehead to his for a long moment.] And I told you once not to suggest it, right? [She sighs softly.] You really know how to listen. Winn, I'm sorry if that had you hung up. It was just the timing. I wasn't ready yet. It was a commitment I was afraid you might want to take back later if things didn't go as well. [Like Reid. Not that he ever exactly took it back. She doesn't really think he'd deny her a better life, but she doesn't think he'd encourage her to choose his world.] We're closer now.

You're not going to be able to help anyone if you're not letting your mind and body recharge. Share the work during waking hours.

You're very compelling.

[ he smiles a little, because he's not sure what else to do. he's tired and he's upset, so lightening the mood feels like the way to go. ]

I can't turn it off, I try. But I just...can't.

Maybe you should try talking to Chloe? Or a doctor or lab tech you feel better about? Maybe there's a sleeping aid you could try taking.

What if something happens in the middle of the night? A breach with Plato, an engineering problem - [ he squeezes her hand, his way of adding you needing me ] I can't afford to be drugged up.

Then I'll handle it or Kirk will or Vision if we're on my ship. Or we'll find you another solution.

...Maybe talking to Charles would help?

[ he tenses up in her arms. ]

Yeah - I couldn't sit in the same room with the guy without making him worry for my sanity - [ not exactly the reassurance he needs. ] I've been talking to Jim though, a little bit. [ not about this because he's not sure who he can talk to about kitty being well...dead. but they still talked and he still felt a little better by the end of it so it counts! ]

...What? [Because rewind to the part about the telepath worrying for your sanity.] What did Charles say to you?

[ and that's just making him feel worse. he pulls away, avoiding her eyes and runs a hand through his hair. ]

Don't worry, he didn't tell me to step away from sharp objects. Just that I'm paranoid. That I should...see a therapist.

Do we have those? [Because she kind of thought he was the closest thing they had there.]

I dunno. [ charles offered, but the idea of letting someone into his head wasn't really sitting well with winn. as in, he'd rather take a stroll out the airlock. ] Didn't look.

[She brushes back his hair.] I went to talk to him. Charles. About things. I thought maybe it would help.

[ he doesn't pull away, even though the petty part of him wants to. it's fair of her to be worried - he's told her about his dad, about his concerns, and charles is a telepath. but it doesn't make her reaction hurt any less. jim instantly told him there's nothing crazy about him, and he just wants the woman he loves to have that same faith in him.

instead, he focuses on what she's saying about herself. he's sure it'll come back to him, but for now he can focus on her. ]

Did it?

[She's tired and running largely on adrenaline and misreading him and his concerns. Hearing that he's paranoid? Well, it's not much of a surprise, is it? She would never call him crazy. Just like she can have PTSD and not be crazy, right?]

I don't know. Probably not yet anyway. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack over you being gone.

[ that he's paranoid surprises no one. ]

Did I mention I'm sorry yet? Cuz I am -

That's not... I'm not trying to make you feel bad about it.

You don't have to, I do that all by myself.

[ smile? a little bit? he sighs ]

I hope it helps. [ he admires her courage asking for and accepting this help. there's a reason she's the hero and he's the sidekick, and it's not just his lack of powers. ]

[She hopes so too.]

I know you do. [She looks at him with a gentle expression.] But really, I'm sorry. I was confused and hurt for a minute, but I get it. I see what you were going for and I know you would never intentionally do something to hurt me. We're good. I'm just sorry I didn't see you struggling before this. I want to be there for you at least half as much as you are for me. [She wants it to be just as much, but he's impossible to keep up with.]

Kitty - you are. I'm really good at listening - that means I hear what you're saying when you get on a shuttle and come see me, even though the Windrose is where your best friend is. I hear what you're saying when you get me snacks, when you indulge my projects, when you didn't argue about giving Cisco my room for a night. I hear what you're saying when you hold me, I hear what you're saying right now. Honestly, no one's ever been that sensitive to my needs. [ he's not sure how to deal with it. ]

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