driftfleet | [video/Action]

If you have to ask me that I'm really slacking -

[ because it definitely was to him. there's a hint of worry that creeps into him now, because he wants to make her feel the way she makes him feel. ]

Look it's not my fault you kick any carnival's butt. [ he was practically done just with her hello kiss before they even went in. he throws an arm lightly around her shoulder, and kisses the top of her head. no, but he's enjoying the carnival, and he wants to stay as long as she does - he definitely wants to play some more games. ]

I'm still not sure I believe we started. [ not the sort of thing that happens to guys like him. ever. he's happy with the way things happened - kitty is too good for supply closets, after all. she's the woman he loves. if he could've gotten her a 5 stars suite, he would've. he doesn't want to consider the very real possibility that if she hadn't stopped them he could've lost all of this with one stupid decision. he doesn't ever want to give her a reason to push him away. ]

Don't you dare worry that you don't turn me on enough. If it was any more than it is already we would never leave our room. They'd be kicking us out for not paying while we were still going at it. We'd be covered in friction burns. It's all very messy from here up. [She leans into him as they walk. The problem—if there is a problem which there really isn't—is that she's more on the sentimental side of things tonight with her parent's photo in her bag and all.]

And it wouldn't have been your fault if I had done something stupid back then. [To be clear, she thinks pushing him away would have been stupid, not having sex with him in a supply closet. He may think she's too good for that, but she kind of likes impromptu places. Supply closets could still be in their future!] You would have won me over eventually with your relentless charm.

[ he laughs, blushing lightly. those are some images she's calling to mind, how is he supposed to deal with any of this out in public as they are? he knows eventually they're supposed to cool down a little bit but he can't really imagine that ever happening because kitty can just play him like - he can play super mario. ]

I'm glad things happened the way they did. [ it takes him a while to find his voice but when he finds it - that's the point he wants to clarify. he's not sure he would've won her over if she pushed him away. he never really believed he could have what they have, it's not unimaginable to him that he would've turned inwards, shut in, let her push him. after all, it was only their second meeting. ]

Me too. And I'm glad you find me as enticing as a tiny Italian man. [She kisses his cheek and her voice softens.] You don't have to imagine that. [It didn't start that way. It won't end that way. It won't end at all she hopes.]

You're at least twice as enticing as a tiny Italian man.

[ ok so if he had to choose between one night with kitty and a whole marioless life, kitty will win every single time. the comparison only came to mind because he doesn't play an instrument and he isn't sure if she does either - ]

I don't wanna imagine that. [ if it ever ends, he'll be crushed. ]

[She kisses him again.] No instruments. Too busy learning to dance, speak multiple languages and build computers.

Wow, this whole touching thing really saves on having to bring things up. [It's a little weird and a little nice.]

Busy lady.

[ he smiles warmly. he agrees wholeheartedly on the weird - and yeah it's a little nice - but it's also scary. and uncomfortable. and stressful. he wants to learn to talk, not to have his mind read and save him from ever having to evolve the skill. he also wants to be able to control what she knows and when - she doesn't have to be exposed to every petty little thought, they aren't representative of who he is as a person he likes to think and -- it's really stressful trying to control his mind. ]

Sure does.

I, um, I guess I don't know if it's stranger to let them slide like I didn't feel the thing I felt or to just acknowledge it. [Has she been making the wrong choice? Though she has let some things go by without comment.

And do you know who else her mind travels to when she thinks about someone trying to control his mind of unwanted thoughts? Okay, yes, Reid a little bit, but more so it goes to Nathan. She hasn't mentioned him at all, not because he wasn't important to her but because he's hard to explain. Don't worry. Not a romantic interest in the slightest. Just a kid a few years younger than her from Reid's world was once a suspect in a serial murder case. He didn't commit those murders, but he...wanted to. He wanted to kill prostitutes because they were "dirty." He hated himself for it. He tried to kill himself to protect people from him, but Reid had stopped him. And then suddenly he was her roommate and she was making sure he ate and got out some and tried to make him smile sometimes. He was like her Sascha in some ways.And then completely different in others. But Nathan was plagued by dark, intrusive thoughts he couldn't control.

She wanted to help him. He could be so sweet and gentle. She wonders how he took her disappearance. How he's doing. She's pretty sure she'll never see him again. She'll never know. The outlook was bleak.]

[ and he doesn't know how to play it either, especially now. he doesn't know how to feel about reminding her of someone like that. is she saying she senses that deep a darkness from him? god he hopes not, he doesn't want to hurt anyone and the people he finds revolting in the prostitution business are the pimps and the customers - taking shameless and cruel advantage of people who may well not see or have another choice in life. why is he suddenly compelled to look through his heart, to make sure - like one would pat down their pockets to make sure they have their wallet and keys and everything they need in place - that everything is where it belongs, that nothing sinister managed to sneak in while he was otherwise engaged. no, he really doesn't think so...

he tightens his hold on her slightly, squeezing her shoulder. he knows the desire to help someone turn it around - he often fantasized about what it could have been like if he'd have been aware, if he could've helped his dad. he was only 11, he logically knows there was nothing he could do, but the guilt is always there. if he'd have just gotten help...but that's a moot point now. his dad is too far gone. he sincerely hopes her nathan isn't, that he found someone else to take care of him, to help him control what feels uncontrollable. ]

I think it's -- a case by case sorta thing. You wanna...sit somewhere and talk?

[ what he's just felt from her feels heavy, and if she wants to talk about it - he wants to be there for her. they can always come back to the carnival tomorrow. ]

[She gives his hand a squeeze.] Sure. [If only to reaffirm to him that she only sees good things in his heart. Did he already forget she fell in love with his good heart?]

Do you want to sit on a pony that's moving around in circles while we do it? [Is that too ridiculous or just ridiculous enough. She doesn't want it to be heavy. She probably should have brought Nathan up by now. Hell, maybe she should have just gone down a list mentioning everyone she's known. There's still so much they don't know about each other and she wasn't hiding it, but when do you bring up your...sexual sadist ward?]

[ it could be subconscious - neither one of them is particularly great at the self-worth thing, she could be looking for the damaged. ]

Sure.

[ he squeezes her hand in return. he'd rather face her, but he'll do it whichever way she's comfortable. there's plenty they don't know about each other yet but it makes sense - their relationship is still new, and they're complicated people. he needs his time to feel comfortable with sharing some of his stories, he won't begrudge her the same, nor will he begrudge her not wanting to turn their lives into an infinite talk series about her tragedies. they have to live their lives, their present, if they focus too hard on the past they wouldn't be able to move on. his fear of the timing has nothing to do with thinking she was keeping this from him and everything to do with what him reminding her of it now means about him. ]

Nothing. [Okay, so the hand holding sharing makes for some non-existent segues. And apparently she's not waiting for ponies or sitting.] Okay, not nothing, but not a bad thing. Just the part where you're trying to protect your mind from thoughts. But you don't have those thoughts. You're just worried you would. And not like Nathan's. [He's worried about being like his Dad who is terrible, but a completely different level of terrible than a sexual sadist serial killer. Thought also, Nathan wasn't that because he never actually hurt anyone but himself. It's complicated.]

And it's a carnival. It's the kind of thing I'd tell Nathan to try and enjoy and relax a little at if he were here. Plus, lots of junk food. His favorite. Minds bring things up. That's all.

[And maybe she does look for damaged a little so she doesn't feel like she's tainting the person she's with. And so she can feel like they might be able to understand her better. That's all. It's not like she ever wants to relive Tyki.]

[ this time, he's grateful for it. it's not a concern he'd be able to verbalize, but it's definitely one he needs to be reassured of. more concern creeps up as he senses what she's projecting - relive? time travel is always a terrible idea, but still he can't help but wish he could go back (and really why can't he? if he'll manage to crack inter-dimensional travel traveling through time should be feasible! clearly, the two are intertwined considering the atroma have both abilities) and save her from the terrible men in her life. ]

He's got good taste in food and role models. [ he wishes there was some way he could help her check up on him and again - maybe if he manages to get them home that would be possible...if he could bring the tech back with them. but most likely it won't be, just their getting home is going to be hard enough. impossible, he's afraid to think, refuses to think. here, all he can do is offer his ears, his shoulders, his hugs. ]

Do you see what I mean about your good heart? You always want to help everyone with everything. [She stops and hugs him because she loves that about him soooo much. He's a hero. She may have a hard time using that word for herself, but she completely believes it fits Winn.

But for all the love she's feeling for him right now she is starting to feel anxious. It's not something that comes up much with her. She didn't even realize she thought about Tyki until she saw it reflected back in Winn's reaction. She should tell him, but how do you talk about the biggest mistake or series of mistakes of your life to someone who you want to keep loving you? But how do you leave it out and expect that love to mean anything?]

[ he's all ready with a joking response to brush that off with because come on - he's no hero. kara's a hero. kitty's a hero. he's just some guy trying to do better. that may make him a pretty good person, but it doesn't make him a hero - he's too much of a coward still to be a hero. when the circumstances call for it - he doesn't know that he trusts himself not to try to save himself first, to run into danger (and even if he did, what the hell would he do about it?). but then he feels her anxiety, and he pulls slightly away from the hug so he could look her straight in the eyes. ]

Kitty, I love you. I will always love you. [ even if she went evil, he doesn't think he'll be able to fully get over those feelings, because he'll always remember her as she is now. he can't even fully hate his dad, much as he wants it to just be one or the other. feelings are complicated that way. ] I think you need to tell me.

[ yeah, he wants to know, her anxiety is making him anxious (not because he thinks he won't be able to be with her anymore but because it's obviously hurting her deeply, and something that would scare her like that - scares him to death), but he also wants to give her the reassurance she obviously desperately needs and he knows anything he says before she talks about it will be completely meaningless. ]

I've made bad mistakes too.

[She nods slowly.] Let's take a walk? [Out of the carnival. She doesn't want to be done with it, but she also doesn't want to associate it with this. Her voice sounds just a little rough as she asks it.

She hasn't been thinking about Tyki. She had a new life to figure out here. A new love with Winn. New friendships. New everything. She was extremely happy to lock him away and leave him behind. Except he's come out a couple of times already. The first when she told the Allen here about things and then when she was upset and Leto came to console her. She should have talked to Winn then but things were still so new and it was hard to talk about it.

It is still hard to talk about it. She hasn't even started, but she's buzzing with guilt, regret, and disgust. She doesn't start until they are outside the entrance.]

His name is Tyki Mikk. He's from around the end of the 19th century. Different reality. He and I ended up in the prison at about the same time. I was going through some pretty extreme culture shock. He reminded me of home. Not for any good reasons, but because he was dangerous and different. He smoked like me, so fast friends. [A joke, but it doesn't land well.] He also had my power. Well, a version of my power plus a few extras. Neither of us had ever met anyone else who could do what we do.

[ he follows along, allowing her to dictate their pace, the conversation, everything. he's not sure what he's about to hear now, but he knows it's not going to be good. he also knows she needs to say it. as horrible as it felt to have everyone know about his dad again - he needed to be able to talk about it. being able to express his fears out loud to kara that first time, after stewing on them for almost 2 decades was the most liberating feeling he's ever experienced.

he nods, so far he's following along - it's the same instant camaraderie he feels around fellow nerds; all his concerns about hank were practically wiped the moment they started nerding at each other, and he and cisco were practically brothers the first time they spoke. ok it's not exactly the same, but he's never met people who're that similar to him, it's as close an analogy as he's got. ]

[She nods again as if to accept his analogy. It works. And there weren't many people with powers back then at all so she felt less isolated around him.] He was... [Smooth. Seductive. Attractive. Hard to resist. None of these are good things to say to Winn.] a flirt, but I was married, so it wasn't a consideration. [Even though she was still angry at Piotr for the other things she knew about at the time. The things she suspected. And lonely.]

Then I found out what happened. That I died. That he'd killed me, and I didn't take it that well... I was hurting and angry at Piotr and myself and frustrated and after a week or so I just wanted to feel anything else.

[She bows her head, watching the ground because she can't look at Winn.] I ran into him...things happened. [Coming out of the rain to hot, hot wall sex. Sorry, Winn. She can control what she says, but some of the memories play out anyway at least in glimpses. If it helps, while the memory was hot at the time she looks back on it now with underlying disgust.]

I knew I couldn't trust him. I knew he'd murdered people back home. [But she didn't really know the context. She's murdered too. It was easy to make excuses.] But I think I wanted that. Wanted someone I knew I couldn't trust because trusting Piotr is what got me killed. It's what got our students killed.

Edited 2016-07-18 22:05 (UTC)

[ he can't really help it - those memories hurt. he knows she was with other men before, but knowing and seeing - feeling - remembering - are two completely different things. he has to let go of her hand because if he experiences any more of it he -- he doesn't even know. too many emotions rage inside of him; anger, envy, pain, irrational betrayal, and the need to put them all aside because this is unhelpful.

he can't take seeing it, he just can't. seeing kitty with another man breaks his heart, even if it's in the past. he tries to let go of the images (unlikely, they'll be haunting his nightmares) and focus on her words. they're not a lot better, much as he does understand what she's saying. he tries to put himself in her shoes - how would he react if he found out he died? that he was killed by kitty? according to kara he fell into the arms of a supervillain just at having been rejected. he has no room to judge her, and he wants to convey that but reaching out again is scary -- he's not sure what he'll see, sure that he won't be able to take it gracefully. his jealousy is too intense. ]

You wanted someone safe and that meant someone who was visibly dangerous.

[ he nods. betrayal is terrifying. he's experienced it. it took him a long time to learn to trust people again and he's still terrible at opening up to them -- and he wasn't killed by his father (though...he was cutting it pretty close). ]

[She understands when he pulls his hand away. Oh, it still hurts, but she understands. She almost let go so many times as the words came out. But she didn't want it to seem like she was about to lie or that she didn't trust him. She could really use some thought/feeling-free touch from him though.]

I, um, I know it sounds messed up. It was, but it's not something I put into words at the time. It just happened and then it kept happening for months. [Little choices every day to make a very big mistake.] And I started to think he was changing. That away from his world he wanted something better for himself. Something more. He'd been an orphan with a hard life and he never asked for the powers or what came with them. [Even now she feels some sympathy toward him. It's just outweighed by memories of what he did later.] I started to think maybe it was something real with us. I think he did care, but...

Not enough to change what he was.

[ if he could give her some thought/feeling free touch, he would do it, he really wants to think he would. but right now, it's difficult to imagine because touching her means seeing more of him touching her, her touching him, he's not sure which is worse but both are unbearable. ]

You needed to believe in him, so you did.

[ it makes sense, kitty's too good a person to compartmentalize like that. neither one of them can really manage not to get attached, so trying to do that with a bad person can only ever end one way. he keeps reminding himself of her situation, explaining the reasoning to himself in his head, so when they do touch again what she'll sense is understanding, but she's right...it is hard. he admires her good heart, her desire to understand, but getting involved with a murderer...it's a hard pill for him to swallow. she's not a murderer, she killed in a war, reluctantly, for a cause, for protection, for survival. she's a soldier. he...sounds nothing like that. ]

What did he do? [ his voice sounds odd to him, it should be strained, but it isn't. it's like, someone else is inhabiting his body, someone calm. ]

[She's worried and wandering how Winn is taking all of this inside, but she doesn't reach out. She finds a bench and sits on one edge of it, knowing he won't want to just cuddle in the middle.] There was an attack. Him and and another noah from his world. That's what he was called. A noah. It was this strange biblical thing. Um, but it was the two of them against two exorcists. They're enemies back home. [And it was easy enough to write off as an ongoing war she didn't know enough about to really understand.] As far as I knew it was the first time he'd attacked anyone in the prison. One of those exorcists was my friend, Allen. There weren't many injuries, but it still felt like a betrayal of the trust I was never supposed to give him. That's when I broke up wit him.

...The first time.

[ he sits halfway to the middle - close, but not touching, trying to offer support, to show her he's not walking away from her without subjecting himself to memories he knows he can't handle and her to his reactions - reactions that are way more complicated than he'd like them to be. ]

You went back.

[ he understands the concept of an unhealthy relationship, he's had his share. he's spent his entire life so starved for affection, he was willing to let people treat him like crap and he kept on going back. it's just weird to think of kitty in the same position. she's so much stronger than he ever was, so much better. and this man...sounds so much worse than anyone he's ever been involved with. ]

How many times?

Once. [There's a pause as she thinks about it.] Once like we were anyway. [Because there was another time she sought comfort in him even if nothing more than crying on him and being held happened. She takes a shaky breath.]

Time passed. I was lonely. He hadn't done anything more and it was easy enough to write off as a war from back home. There was a dance. A prom even. And I wasn't with him, but we danced together and Cross—the other exorcist—gave me this look and I don't know. It felt like I was being judged already and as long as I was being considered like I was doing the wrong thing. ...I might as well.

[She hates so much that she made that choice and it shows in her expression even if he's not touching her to feel it, but she's also glad he's not touching her because she knows what came next. They got back together on the beach that night. Passionate and wrong. He was the "Noah of Pleasure" for a reason.]

So we did for awhile.

[ the urge to hold her is pretty overwhelming, he hates seeing that expression on her, but he's so afraid of what he'll see - what he'll show her. so instead, he turns a little so he could face her. ]

Kitty, none of that's gonna make me stop loving you.

[ she's so young and she's been through more than anyone should in a hundred lifetimes. she was lonely and hurt and he may have been a terrible person, but he helped her not feel it for a bit. he hates that it happened, but he can understand it. ]

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