winn: (20)

[personal profile] winn 2016-06-27 03:48 am (UTC)(link)
[ he breathes a breath of relief when she shifts; once again, not tough enough to pretend that didn't hurt. he just feels like such a failure as a man today. ]

Kitty...it's really not the same. I'm fine - bullies are practically a right of passage for my kind.

[ of course, his nerdiness might've been able to skate by most of them if he weren't the son of a murderer, if that label hadn't followed him around every day at school and every night at home, if he had a single safe space to hide in. but that doesn't matter - at the end of the day all it is was bullying. he's alive, barely even physically dented anymore, just a chink on chin like scratch in the paint. so he lost his parents. he's hardly the first kid to, he lived with a houseful of others. to him, comparing it to what kitty's been through is like going crying to wrath with a paper cut.

it's not hurt he's projecting anymore, not mainly. he's a little bitter about feeling this way, and very guilty - for both feelings. he's also extremely self deprecating. ever since his mom left all the way up until he left for college - all he's ever heard was you have no right. the memories don't come up, just the ingrained sensation. ]
passingthrough: (Worried [Illyana])

[personal profile] passingthrough 2016-06-27 04:08 am (UTC)(link)
Not like that it's not. I can feel how relentless it was.

[She doesn't want to compare and contrast. And she doesn't bring it up with words, but it's hard for thoughts not to bubble up of memories where she would rescue people and be spat on for being a "filthy mutie." That was almost the best scenario. It hurt more to see people just shaking in fear around her—to know she was the monster in their nightmares when she was risking her life to make the world better for them. For everyone. There were exceptions—thank yous, hugs, or even simple neutral responses from people too weak and weary for anything more. But they felt slim in comparison.

She isn't thinking this outranks what happened to Winn in any way. For her it just makes her feel more connected to him. Like they have all this potential to just better understand each other on a deeper level which is something she craves. She loves him, but sometimes things feel almost shallow? Like she doesn't know him the way she would like to know him. And it's okay. Things are still new and it takes time.]


You have every right to your feelings.
winn: (07)

[personal profile] winn 2016-06-27 04:20 am (UTC)(link)
[ he holds her tighter as the memories come through, as if trying to say I'll love you and thank you for all of them. he can't understand these people - never could never will. they're so lucky someone was there to save them. as a kid, all he ever wanted was for someone - anyone - to save him. it's why he came up with glitch. he needed a hero, and no one else seemed interested in the job. ]

I'm sorry, Kitty I just... [ he hates that she knows what it feels like, to be told you don't matter, that the world would be better off without her. but she had the x-men to go back to, to build her back up. nobody's ever rebuilt him, because he's never allowed anyone to see how broken he is inside. smile, though your heart is aching, smile, even though it’s breaking. that has been his motto.

he always wanted someone to know him - but also didn't. he wants the real him to be the happy-go-lucky excitable guy who's always quick to help, not the bitter broken mess. ]


Hey - [ he gently strokes her hair and smiles at her ] remember that inn? It's waiting for us, along with the dinner we deserve. [ he just wants to be someone who makes her happy, not hurt even more. so many people have made her hurt in her life. he hates himself for being one of them, even if it's what she wants. ]
passingthrough: (Curious - More than the surface)

[personal profile] passingthrough 2016-06-27 05:07 am (UTC)(link)
I can feel all the important bits of knowledge inside you, but you won't put them together. [He won't give himself the consideration he gives her so freely. But she knows that can be the hardest thing. She knows that when Reid left her she gave up on herself for awhile. It all just felt like too much. It was one too many losses and suddenly they all felt very much her fault. She became an insecure, guilt-ridden, self-doubting mess. And she's not completely free of that now, but the darkest parts have passed.]

...But yeah. The inn sounds good.
winn: (47)

[personal profile] winn 2016-06-27 05:11 am (UTC)(link)
I'm very smart and also an idiot.

[ he steps back from the embrace - so they could resume their walking, so he doesn't add an edge to that joke that - while true - he doesn't want her to sense, and so she doesn't feel how deep his resentment for reid runs. ]
passingthrough: (Worried - pained eyes)

[personal profile] passingthrough 2016-06-27 05:23 am (UTC)(link)
[She takes a deep breath. There is both a disappointing loss and a selfish relief at having the connection severed again. She worries about what will slip through even if she welcomes a deeper connection and doesn't want to hide things from him she still worries some piece of information will be the one that goes too far. The one that makes him say, "I just can't" like Reid did. Where she wasn't the person he loved anymore. She was some kind of burden. She was the straw on his back. She knows she can be a lot to handle and Winn holds so much in already.]

I stopped your daily compliments too soon.
winn: (53)

[personal profile] winn 2016-06-27 05:29 am (UTC)(link)
[ his answer to that fear is one he'd want her to feel; he could never stop loving her. he knows this feeling well, it's what keeps him so repressed. in a way it's what made him feel so close to jim - the man just has a way of making him feel like he couldn't possibly be more trouble than he's worth. he gives him a hard time, and jim stubbornly stays there and keeps on pressing. winn loves him dearly for it. ]

Kitty...[ he softens in the face of her distress. it's not a time for jokes, much as he wants to make them to get her to smile - if he could just make her smile, then everything will be alright, right? ]

When you say you love me - that's the biggest compliment anyone could ever give me.

[ it's not her fault, is what he's trying to convey. she's so wonderful to him, he still can't believe she's even with him. ]

Come on - let's go have dinner. This'll feel a lot better with pie.
Edited 2016-06-27 10:55 (UTC)
passingthrough: (Considering)

[personal profile] passingthrough 2016-06-27 06:05 pm (UTC)(link)
[She knows it's not her fault. He's clearly been struggling with these feelings for a long time and she isn't going to reverse all that with a few kind words, but she still wishes she was doing more to help him somehow.]

Yeah, okay.

...

Is there really going to be pie? [Sorry, Winn. It's just. That's pretty huge news.]
winn: (46)

[personal profile] winn 2016-06-27 06:08 pm (UTC)(link)
[ that makes him smile; lighthearted conversation is much more in his wheelhouse. he doesn't mind talking about other people's troubles but his own, well - she knows, now. ]

When I said dessert, I didn't mean me.
passingthrough: (Watchful)

[personal profile] passingthrough 2016-06-27 06:13 pm (UTC)(link)
But you too, right? [She gives him a gentle sort of look where it probably should be seductive.]
winn: (Elementary my dear Watson)

[personal profile] winn 2016-06-27 06:16 pm (UTC)(link)
No, I care about the soundproofing on the room because we're gonna have a maaaaad karaoke party in there.

[ she gets a gentle sort of look back that's also a little flustered because he can't get over how amazing it feels to be desired. he's a little apprehensive, but when they were kissing everything they were feeling was amazing. when he's kissing her, he can't really think about anything else but her. so it'll be alright...probably. he hopes. ]
passingthrough: (Fond - Listening)

[personal profile] passingthrough 2016-06-28 01:51 am (UTC)(link)
Knowing you, it's always possible. [There's something pretty warm and fond in her eyes as she says that.]

You know I want to talk more about...all of that eventually, right? [But they can have their break. Their meal. Their sweet exchanges and banter. It just needs to happen too.]
winn: (07)

[personal profile] winn 2016-06-28 06:33 am (UTC)(link)
That I skip out on you? Never.

[ his smile softens, and there's unclear in his eyes - because his heart is uncertain. he doesn't know how he feels about this. ok - he's happy she cares, absolutely, but he's also afraid of this conversation, sad that - the happy-go-lucky days are nothing but a fond memory now. ]

I know. And I love you for it. [ he also loves her for letting the date night he planned happen first. he was really excited for it, he doesn't want it ruined because he couldn't control his memories. ]
passingthrough: (Fond - You're cute)

[personal profile] passingthrough 2016-06-28 11:53 am (UTC)(link)
[She doesn't want them to be gone. She just...wants them to be real. His reply is about as good as it gets though. She thought there might be push back or resentment and maybe there will be some of that too, but he loves her for it? She'll take that.]

And so much pie before that. I am really excited about the inn, Winn. ...Wow, that sounds weird together.
winn: (Beam me up Scotty)

[personal profile] winn 2016-06-28 11:59 am (UTC)(link)
[ he may get petty, angry, frustrated, or upset at having to talk about things he doesn't want to talk about. but resent her for caring about him? he's still pinching himself sometimes, just to make sure it's really happening. he may not always like the way it manifests, but he'll always love that she wants to help him, that she cares enough to try. ]

To the inn with Winn wherein the fun will begin. [ there he made it weirder. ]
passingthrough: (Fond - Hand holding)

[personal profile] passingthrough 2016-06-28 12:03 pm (UTC)(link)
If only Finn was here too. [Adding quickly.] For the rhyme potential only. I'm very happy to just be with you. [She reaches over to take and squeeze his hand. She'd wanted to do it a few times and resisted on account of what was happening when they touched, but this time she doesn't think beyond the act.]
winn: (48)

[personal profile] winn 2016-06-28 12:07 pm (UTC)(link)
Who's Finn?

[ there's always that knee-jerk pump of insecurity every time she mentions someone new, especially a man someone. he knows she loves him, now better than ever, and he trusts her - with his heart and his life. but that fear that he isn't good enough, isn't man enough, is not one he can just shake off. he keeps his voice casual, the touch of his hand may betray a little more. ]
passingthrough: (Happy - Pleasant)

[personal profile] passingthrough 2016-06-28 12:17 pm (UTC)(link)
He's from the world with all the jedi. Nice guy. You'd like him. I was at his birthday party not long ago. A little pink horse invited me. Life is interesting. [She can feel his insecurities leaking through and she wished she knew how to better reassure him. She's not just going to skip to any guy with a rhyming name who grew up without parents. She wants the original.]
winn: (44)

[personal profile] winn 2016-06-28 12:22 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh yeah I met the little pink horse - unless, there's more than one little pink horse - the one I met is called Pinkie Pie? Apparently there's also one named Cheese Sandwich who can make pizza if we get 'm some cheese. And that will never stop being the weirdest thing I've ever said in my life - [ shaking his head. where was he? oh yeah! ] She says she can bake, and that I can have some. I promised Wrath I'd bring some of what she makes me over and we can have a movie night, I'm almost done with the projector. I was gonna ask you when I was done but since I'm talking about it now...wanna have movie night with us?

[ she called it the first time they talked: he talks a lot when he's nervous. ]
passingthrough: (Fond - Listening)

[personal profile] passingthrough 2016-06-28 12:39 pm (UTC)(link)
How do you know it isn't at trick? Maybe he just wants to make cheese sandwiches for himself. It's right there in the name. [She gently strokes her thumb over his hand. She can feel his nervousness. She hopes he feels her love.]

Movie night sounds good. Are things going well with Wrath? [He seemed kind of quiet and flustered when the three of them were together.]
winn: (If I tell you I’ll have to kill you)

[personal profile] winn 2016-06-28 12:46 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm more worried about horse ending up in my pizza -

[ he does feel it, and it helps. ]

Yeah, yeah I think so. I think we found our groove. [ when they talk about the here and now and not her world - she's not terrifying anymore. she's actually a lot of fun. and...they have more in common than he initially thought. it seems like they both don't really see the value in themselves beyond their work. there's sadness there, but also a sense of kinship. he knows the things he disagrees with are far from gone, but things suck hard enough without forcing issues that aren't coming up on their own into their lives. ]
passingthrough: (Thoughtful)

[personal profile] passingthrough 2016-06-28 09:58 pm (UTC)(link)
Like human in your pizza is better? [What a terrible way of phrasing all of this.]

I'm glad. I think I'm getting to understand her better too. She has a way of keeping a person off balance. [Not in a bad way, but she didn't know what to expect from her or how sincere she was being. And sincerity is important to Kitty. She doesn't like being lied to or manipulated. Not that anyone likes those things but she's especially on guard after Piotr.]
winn: (19)

[personal profile] winn 2016-06-28 10:04 pm (UTC)(link)
Let's just go with veggie pizza to be safe -

[ why are you ruining pizza, kitty, what has he ever done to you? ]

She does but...she's also really sweet.

[ the talk they had at the medbay actually went a long way to boost his self esteem - there's just something about being told that he's good, and worthwhile, and tough by someone so blunt who has absolutely no stake in complimenting him unnecessarily because what is he to her, really?

his grip on her hand tightens a little bit as those feelings go through. I'll never do that to you, is the sentiment he focuses on. he knows it's not about him - not this time - but he can't control the actions of anyone else but himself. ]
passingthrough: (Worried - pained eyes)

[personal profile] passingthrough 2016-06-29 03:28 am (UTC)(link)
[You started it!]

Hey, I know you wouldn't. Even when you hold things back I know it's not me. [Sometimes it feels like her though even if she knows logically it isn't. She's worried he doesn't trust her enough to tell her the things on his mind. And worried that she's given him reasons for that by saying stupid, thoughtless things around him. By teasing him or flirting with people without intentions.]
winn: (May the force be with you)

[personal profile] winn 2016-06-29 05:21 am (UTC)(link)
[ it's not that he doesn't trust her - he trusts her fully. it's that sometimes, he doesn't like himself much. and he wants to be better for her, he wants to impress her, wants to be someone who's worthy of her. and sometimes...sometimes talking is just too painful. ]

Here we are -

[ he opens the door to the inn and kisses the top of her head. smiling at the owner, he gives them a little nod and leads her back to their room. ]

Hang on - close your eyes for a sec - [ he'll quickly light a pair of candles on the little dinner table he had set up for them in the room, and then lead her inside and shut the door behind them. ]

Ok, open.

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