driftfleet | [video/Action]

No. [Soft kiss.] Romantic. [Another. Rivals. [And again.]

[She loves him and that is clear in the way she feels about him through the link. She gets warm, excited feelings that make her feel like laughing for no reason because there's just too much good inside and she doesn't know what to do with it. He's smart, funny, and thoughtful to a fault.

And desire? That's definitely there. She always thought he was handsome from the moment she saw him on his first arrival, but now he's the most beautiful person in the world. Love goggles will do that to you. She's memorized things about his eyelashes and chin that would make a sketch artist's day.

There's also one more thing and it's not as personally flattering, but it's still very real for her. Probably for both of them. She so desperately wants some stability in her life. Someone she can count on. Someone she can be with a week from now, a month, a year, a decade. She has a hard time believing in the future, but she wants to look at someone and not see an end either. She doesn't want to stray. She wants the security of him. She's not looking for the next great thing. She's found someone great and she stopped looking. It doesn't mean she wouldn't choose him over and over again, but it's not even a consideration. He's hers as long as she's his.]

[ he leans in for a deeper kiss, one that's slightly tinted with a desperation to remain hers. for his part, he's convinced no one could be as right for him, no one could love him the way she does. and yes - he wants to be with her because he loves her, he loves her so much it hurts. he's always thinking about her, trying to find things or ideas that would make her smile, because he loves the way she smiles - she has the best smile. but him loving her is almost inevitable to him, it's granted. her loving him...that's what really makes them special. he could never walk away from that. he can imagine them back in national city building a life together so clearly, the fantasies are almost as clear as his memories. he could help her pay for college, so she'd finally get to experience it, they could have study sessions late into the night with piles of pizza and a lot of make out breaks. they could have silly arguments about whether or not his adult collectibles should get to stay on display or get shoved in the back of the closet. they could have lazy nights lying on the couch with netflix, and exciting nights out on the town, going dancing. he wants it all so badly. ]

[She presses back and she can see the things he's imagining and it's touching and it scares her. Does she really fit into that world after the one she was raised in? Was it like bringing a lion with you and expecting it to behave like...like a kitty? And yet there was something so tempting in it or at least in his desire for it. She can't quite hold back the thought of children following it someday. A wish she doesn't feel close to saying out loud, but the feelings are there.

She pulls back from the kiss.] Hey, you have to be careful about that pedestal you have me on. It's a long fall.

[ when she thinks of children panic starts to well up in his chest, even though he knows it would be a long way away. he's had nothing but role models to teach him how not to raise a kid, and when he was one the others were so cruel to him. yeah, he had fun with carter, but the moment he turned his back to get their dinner, the kid ran off to find supergirl and nearly got himself killed.

he's not responsible enough for kids. ]

You can air walk.

[ he knows he has a tendency to completely blind himself to the faults of people who give him an inch, and kitty's certainly given him more than that. but kitty is amazing, of that he has no doubt, and he really doesn't think anyone else could ever love him like that, and if his feelings aren't reciprocated, it can't ever be as good. ]

[She knew he wasn't ready to have kids. She's not ready either. But at the same time he's already many years older and more settled—or he was before being abducted—so the panic isn't the best kind of feeling to get from him. She can hide the disappointment from her face, but not from the link. She does understand it's just...if she were going to believe the future really exists then she'd like to think there are children in it for her someday.]

Mm, that's cheating.

[ he may be older and more settled, but he's a lot less mature in a lot of ways. he hates how much older than her he is, especially in times like these because he knows it works against him.

he strokes her cheek, hurting at the thought of disappointing her. ]

Hey, I'm not saying never. I just -- I'm not good at this. [ and this is a big deal. this could be the thing that breaks her, that makes her decide he's not worth it anymore, and it's scary, but so are kids. he knows how bad they can get, how screwed up, and he's terrified of being the thing to screw them up. he's never been around them as an adult, he doesn't have any siblings so no nephews, he barely has any friends and the ones he has are all childless too...and he's scared. ]

[She reaches up to brush back her hair.] It's... It's not like it's something I would be asking about now. [She almost said "yet." She isn't ready even if she knows she wants it eventually. And she isn't ready to choose between him or that when there are too many things unknown like if a choice is really going to be necessary. He did just say he's not saying never.]

For what it's worth I know you'd be an amazing dad. [She means every word of that. She has more confidence in him as a dad than she has in herself as a mother.]

[ that's funny, because he has way more confidence in her as a mom than he does in himself as a dad. but she said it herself - he does a lot of things that scare him. isn't he sitting on a ferris wheel right now? (oh god, that panic is creeping back in, he's so high up why is he doing this? oh right kitty. he's doing this for kitty. deep breath.) he got used to working at catco, so used to it he can even find himself standing on the porch and looking out at the view in times of great crisis. he's capable of a lot of things he wouldn't have given himself the credit for before trying. maybe this is one of them.

he smiles a little, because her confidence is always worth a lot to him. ]

Any kid would be lucky to have you for a mom. [ she would always love them no matter what, and that's what a kid really needs. it's what he always needed. ]

But we can -- save that for when we're home and settled, right? [ first they have to get back. then they have to get her comfortable. this conversation is a long ways away, isn't it? they have enough to overcome in their past and present without dragging the future into it. ]

[She would do that. The love is covered. It's the other parts she worries about. Will she be a good teacher? Will she manage to protect them? Will she pass on her own shortcomings? But his faith in her helps too.] Yeah, of course. One thing at a time. [She kisses his jaw.] I think the ride is almost over.

[ he's a 1000% certain she'd be more competent at that than he will. he eats sugary cereal and take out, marathons games well into the middle of the night, camps out for new tech toys...he may be many years (still stings) older than she is, but he doesn't feel like a grown up. then again, he does get pretty parental around margaery and sascha. it creeps the hell out of him when he notices it. ]

One thing at a time. [ he echoes it. he hasn't even really gotten to only be with her yet, they live on crowded spaceships, they've only been together a couple of months. he's not that old. ]

Huh -- that wasn't so bad. [ ok it was pretty terrible before she shared her serenity with him. but no one can keep him from pretending he has a spine. ]

Yeah? You wanna go again? [She's joking. Please don't. She doesn't like putting him in a position that scares him like that.]

And you know I don't think of you as old, right?

All night long.

[ please don't make him go again, he'd rather volunteer for an all-nighter training session with jim.

there's some obvious discomfort there because -- no he doesn't know that. it's not just her, so many people make jokes or just outright argue that he's old and he's never really had a problem with his age before the fleet but then again back home he didn't spend any time around teenagers since he was one. and he definitely wasn't dating a 20 year old who thinks he should have it together by now because he's almost in his 30s. ]

I'm too cute to be old.

Very cute. Very appropriately aged. [She doesn't think there's anything unsettled or wrong about his life. She was just nervous that at this age if he's still not wanting kids that there may not be an age when he does. But he already said they could talk about it later. Much later. Years later. She doesn't want to push.] Very loved. Very the next to get off the ride.

[ pumping his fist in the air -- he jumps off the ride so fast it's almost like he borrowed kara's speed for a second there. he really hates heights a lot. ]

[She slides off with a bit more poise.] Do you need to kiss the ground for awhile or should we check out some games?

[ he tilts his head, like he's considering it. ]

Compromise.

[ he leans in and kisses her, sweet and lingering. ]

Okay, let's check out some games.

[She's smiling when he pulls away.]

...Hey! Did you just call me the ground? [Taking his arm as they walk.]

Well -- I do love it a lot, and it keeps me steady.

[ and kitty does the same for him, she keeps him balanced, connected, as secure as he can get under the circumstances. ]

Someone is reaching. [But she gives him a peck on the same anyway. Clearly, she's confused about how to use positive reinforcement.]

You're not so bad too. [Love. So much love. It radiates off her.] And I am really glad to be off of that thing. [She shared her excitement and contentment with him, but he shared her terror with her.]

If I were reaching there'd be an avalanche of words to cover it up.

[ he thinks she's got it down perfectly, no idea what you're talking about. so much love right back at her. ]

I'll turn you into a coward yet.

[ his tone is joking, but also apologetic. he really hopes he hasn't ruined it for her. ]

You wish. [She knows he doesn't wish that.]

And you don't make things worse, okay? Those memories with my parents haven't gone anywhere. I'm sorry you come up against this fear so often here. [She doesn't like being the reason he's putting himself through it. Though she thinks jealousy had more to do with it than just wanting to share it with her this time.]

You'd think I'd be over it by now.

[ if only it worked that way.

jealousy is part of it, but it's hardly the whole story. he doesn't get to feel very useful, or very manly here. which, ok, it's not like he was mr. masculinity back home either, but there he could counter with some video games, or movies, or badass hacks.

he loves his friends. he loves kitty, kara, kate, margaery - all of them. but spending most of his time with women and working on things like ball gowns, dresses and embroidery can drag him down sometimes - much as he truly does enjoy it. kara suggesting the spa really hit a nerve, all that's missing is they start giving him makeovers. he loves them - but sometimes he just wants to feel like a guy. and that includes conquering his fears and being cool and - he's failing miserably and his pride is shot, but he still has to try. he can't stop comparing himself to other guys, and that just exacerbates the problem, because he's always coming up short. he's jealous of reid for what he means to kitty, but he's also jealous of the fact that he just sounds like he's better - smarter, cooler - everything he can do reid can and did better. where does it leave him?

and there was also a fear egging him on; today it would've been a ride on the ferris wheel, but what else would he be holding kitty back from? he doesn't want to cost her anything, doesn't want to be a liability, doesn't want her to resent him because he's not as brave, he's not as strong, he's not a hero. ]

[She just stops and kisses him, mid-street.] Winn, you aren't some lesser Reid. You are your own person. I'm not comparing you. You shouldn't either. [No one has ever shown her the kind of love and devotion that Winn does. He's special and she has never thought of him as "one of the girls." Who would have an idea that he has to work at masculinity other than a dumb boy? No one, that's who. So, clearly he's already there. And maybe she hangs out with Wrath too much.]

[ that nothing she feels from him for a second there? that's his mind going blank at that kiss. it takes him a moment to recover enough to even process what she's saying. ]

Ah - the sweatshirts are working.

[ he smiles, because replying to that seriously skirts the line of too serious and he did tell her that he's pretty bad at the serious things in their supply closet makeout session. can't say he didn't warn her. ]

[She looks (and feels) confused for a moment before pressing in again.] Idiot. [She says softly before she kisses him again.]

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