driftfleet | may mingle (blameless!)

[ It's not strange to see Raven wandering around the Blameless now; she spends more time there than she does on her own ship, hiding away in Hank's lab and pretending the rest of the world doesn't exist, as if she can settle down in the bunk there and let everything else get drowned out by the silence. It's not always that easy, of course, and after a more than a little emotional conversation with Charles she knows that there's one person she needs to see - Hank.

She slips in through the open door and lets it close behind her, only because this has become her safe space. She doesn't let her skin change just yet, however, and a part of her freezes when she sees something too familiar, pale skin where there ought to be blue and glasses in place all over again. A part of her is disappointed, but another part yearns to understand. Hank didn't have what she did; she didn't have Brotherhood, or Charles. She has to wrap her mind around that and not scold.

Instead, she walks over to the bunk and flops down, frowning as she stares up into space - hah. ]

I talked to him.

[at the very least, when he turns and spots her looking at him, a greeting on his lips, the expression there is guilty; he knows that she prefers that he doesn't hide, and he knows he doesn't have to, especially here with her. He wants to tell her as much, tell her he's made compromises with looking like this, that it isn't all day, that with her being here it's very likely not going to last long anyway and she knew that, but -

The greeting dies on his lips at what she says, and - he isn't sure what to think. "Him" could mean anyone, but his mind immediately goes to Charles. She wouldn't speak to Erik - not this soon, and he puts what he's working on down to come over and join her on the bed]

How did it go?

[ There's no way to explain how she appreciates the fact that Hank comes and sits beside her without prompting, that she doesn't have to ask to lean on him in the way that she needs - he just knows, and it makes things easier, allows her to save face and keep herself pretending that she doesn't need what she does. The fact that Hank has been using the serum doesn't even really matter, not right now, and she frowns as she settles down, trying to wrap her mind around it all and let herself have that if nothing else - the chance to learn and grow beside Hank instead of away from him.

Relaying what happened with Charles isn't easy either, but she knows that she needs to talk about it. Bottling it all up inside would do no more than cause her pain and she's had enough of that in her lifetime. Being able to speak her mind is important to her, and she basks in that for a moment before she manages to muster her voice. ]

It was fine. We talked, and he explained things.

[he shifts to face her directly, ready to listen and - push or encourage, depending on how this goes. He may be bad at his words - downright terrible at times - but when it came to trying to be supportive, he's learned what to and not to say.

So he waits, until she's ready to speak and when she does he reach out to rest a hand on her knee, if nothing more to be wordless support. His lips twitch, the brief stirrings of a wry smile]

That's good - that it went fine, I mean. I know . . . it probably wasn't easy.

It's stupid, all of this. I hate the fact that I'm not happy knowing he's happy, not really.

[ It's all a mess, and that's why. Raven has always been very particular about how she feels towards Charles, a mixture of protective and resenting that's changed and remoulded over the years, and she has to try and reshape it again with this new version of her brother that she only just recognises. The fact that he is different, he has changed, means something to her and she has to try and accept that even if she doesn't want to.

The only relief she has is the fact that Charles isn't trying to put her into a box anymore, isn't trying to command her as if he's her father. They're siblings, not by blood but by something stronger, and she appreciates the fact that he has grown. That means she has to try too.

Still, she huffs out a noise, an agitated sigh, before she crosses her arms. ]

He had to choose the biggest asshole in the world, didn't he?

[that's . . . complicated, and he isn't sure what he can say that isn't crossing into business he shouldn't get involved in. Even if he's already involved in some fashion, regardless of how he denies it]

It isn't stupid. I understand why you're upset. [he sighs, his free hand reaching up to rub the back of his neck] But - it'll settle. The more you two talk and - work things out.

[he hopes that's the case. Saying Charles was "happy" was a little too general; he was happy with Erik, happy they had been getting the school going, but - it wasn't as if things from their past didn't linger in the shadows, either - from the other places, and from home.

He can't help but snort, though, and the wry smile returns]

I don't think I can comment on that. That happened before I got there. [and long before he remembered their history]

[ Raven knows it's far more complicated than she's making it out to be and that's half the problem. If it was simple, if it was easy, then she wouldn't have to sit in turmoil thinking about how she feels about it, wondering what she is allowed to say to Charles and what she isn't. Even now she feels like she ought to hold her tongue sitting beside Hank, the knowledge that he was there and present when she wasn't burning int he back of her mind.

She shifts away a little, almost without thinking, if only because she feels as though she's asking too much all over again. ]

It's going to take time. [ Which is the simplest way to put things, she imagines, even if it comes out a little harsh and bitter. ] And it's not as if we're going anywhere. Not for a while, anyway, since whoever is in charge wants to make our lives into some sort of stupid drama. [ As if it wasn't dramatic enough already at home?

Shifting a little, Raven considers before she speaks, voice quiet and uncertain. ]

I missed him, but he's not the Charles I missed. I keep forgetting but it's better and worse at the same time. I know I'll get used to it, but it's hard.

[he can't help but huff a little at the mention of their lives being some entertainment for people watching. That, that's what angers him the most about this place, that any sense of privacy is a farce, no matter the extents to which he tries] You have the time, at least. Which - really, is the only good thing this place affords us. I can do without the - reality drama and that nonsense.

[he watches her shift away, but he doesn't move his hand. He doesn't move closer either, but - all of this, he reminds himself, is on her terms. He isn't going to push.

His expression gentles and he squeezes her knee, because . . . even having gone through a lot of what Charles did, he was still different from the man in Hank's memories, even before Hank arrived] I know. But - even without those places, Raven . . . he was already different. With - everything that was going on, you only saw pieces of that.

[ It's not fair, she thinks, that Hank is right. It's not fair that he knows what he's talking about because he was with Charles for the ten years she wasn't, when she was out fighting and living and devoting her existence to the mutant cause. She had lived such violence in the years that they were apart that she wonders if Charles and Hank even recognise her, or if they just see her as someone changed and different, reshaped into a mould that Erik had created. She doesn't want to believe that's what she is, but she remembers what she's seen and what she's done.

They have no idea what's happened to her, not really, and she's glad for that.

Breathing out, sharp and almost on the brink of irritated and annoyed, Raven nods. ] I wonder how long we'll be stuck here waiting to go back. It could be worse. I could be here by myself.

[ That's her own, Raven-esque way of telling him he's glad he's here without actually putting it into words, without expressing what she really wants to say. She feels like she's too open, too raw, and she frowns as the looks over at the other side of the room, not really able to look at him without feeling shame and frustration at the distance of time between them. They'd had beautiful, tender moments but that didn't mean everything was fixed and broken hearts were mended; that isn't how life worked.

Swallowing, she closes her eyes and tilts her head back. ]

I know. I left and I left him behind. [ It's something she thought about nearly every day. She left him behind and she fled and Charles suffered ten years of pain and isolation and a wheelchair and then the war broke out and he lost more and more until he had nothing left. But she had lost things too, so many things, the kind of things she couldn't tell Hank or Charles about until she was ready, and it's all seeping out of the broken pieces of her bleeding heart. ] I know.

I wish I could say. I know people are working on figuring out ways to get home, at least. [a brief smile] And that's true. But you're not.

[but - that isn't what he was trying to say. He wasn't trying to bring up old guilts, old pains or anything like that - he just wanted to state a fact. He makes a faint, frustration noise and shifts closer, bold in the way he grabs her hand and holds it in both of his. Hoping that his gestures make up for the words he might not be able to get across to her]

It wasn't just you. [he isn't going to lie and say Raven's departure hadn't left it's mark; it had, and even now that was still a topic neither he nor Charles discussed often, if at all. Erik leaving had left it's mark too, a different one but just as painful. But the world was changing, and it took away the one thing Charles still had to hold onto. "There's no professor here" is what he had told Logan when he'd arrived. By that time, Hank hadn't called Charles that in years] Everyone left, for one reason or another. There was the school, and then - one day, there wasn't. He's coming back from that.

Who knows how long that's going to take? [ Raven shakes her head, huffing a little noise. ] I haven't met any of the other new mutants, not really. One came to find me, though.

[ But they're getting off-topic, aren't they? She didn't come here to talk about something casual; she came here to unload, no matter how cruel it might be. Hank didn't seem to mind too much and - he moved closer, reaching to take her hand and hold it and she softens, as if the touch brings her back to herself and away from the rest of the world. She blinks as she turns her head to look at him, her attention focussed before she frowns. ]

I saved them, you know. [ Maybe he doesn't know; how would he? It was hardly public knowledge. ] The mutants being used in Vietnam, with Alex - Havok. There was more of them and the army was just using them, throwing them out to die like they were just weapons, so I made them stop. [ She's proud of herself for that, bristling a little before she leans back, settling down. ] You know why I couldn't come back, don't you? Even when they were murdered - Angel, Emma, Banshee and Azazel and Janos... I couldn't come back.

[ Her voice is a quiet whisper, now. ]

It wasn't safe, for me or for you.

Edited 2016-05-15 00:04 (UTC)

—who came to find you?

[he doesn't sound panicked, but he sure feels it. If only because he's aware of where Mystique stands in other worlds, and he's spoken to the one here more than once. And - there is, of course, the whole thing with the Kurts, which he - doesn't want to talk about. He told Kitty he would tell her but he can't. Not right now, anyway. Not when they're discussing something already incredibly difficult.

He didn't know about Vietnam, though, and it immediately shows on his face, in the way he unconsciously squeezes her hand. They hadn't heard from him, and - of course. Of course the military was using them. He sucks in a deep breath] I - didn't know. We haven't - spoken to Alex since he left. [he lessens his hold on her hand, briefly, before he tightens it again] I'm glad you saved them.

[and then . . . that. Hank had been the first to remember Erik and Charles' argument on the plane, and what Erik had revealed. It still hurt, knowing Angel and Sean both had been - killed, murdered, made to suffer when they didn't deserve it. Even the other two - none of them had deserved it. He has to look away, but he forces himself not to pull his hand back]

I know. [just as quietly. He shuts his eyes and lets out a breath] I know.

Shadowcat.

[ Obviously, Raven wasn't too worried about Kitty; not just because the other girl had been nice but because she was almost sure she could take her in a fight if she needed to and get out with a few more bruises but nothing life-threatening. She's careful to watch Hank's reaction, though - it was him that warned her about there being other mutants, after all, and she wants to make sure that she has nothing to worry about... Other than the girl telling her she can be blue all the time, as if it was that easy.

Slowly, Raven's hand turns in his so that her fingers can slide through the gaps in Hank's, her voice coming out quiet. ] Someone had to. Erik was in prison and - [ And Charles was suffering, locked in his mansion behind his walls, safe and sound. She is a little bitter about it, but she's starting to understand, starting to see more than her own one dimensional view of the situation. Charles had been hurting, and Charles hurting meant a kind of suffering that burrows down deep inside until he can't fathom anything else; she should know, she'd seen it before.

It takes a few moments, a handful of seconds that pass by sharply, but Raven shifts and manages to make her way back so she can lean her shoulder against Hank's, uncertain but wanting all at once. She needs the comfort, especially when they're talking about something that hurts so much. ]

I found some of their autopsies, too. But we don't - we shouldn't talk about that. [ Raven grits her teeth, hard enough for it to feel like it aches. ] We're here, together. We shouldn't - I shouldn't -

[ She cuts herself off; she doesn't even know what she was going to say. ]

[his brows furrow in confusion for a moment]

Oh - Kitty. [she wastes no time, does she. He smiles a little lopsidedly] She's a friend. [he sees the look on Raven's face and makes sure to confirm that it's okay] She's from a - timeline very, very different from ours. [he leaves it at that, inviting Raven to tell him whatever Kitty told her about - all that. He briefly wonders if she mentioned their Hank McCoy.

But he understands, and as Raven slips her fingers between his, he closes his own around them, tightly] I know. I'm not - glad you had to do it, or that it was happening in the first place, but - I'm glad it was you who saved them.

[as Raven shifts closer he shifts with her, raising his arm to put it around her. To gently draw her even closer to give her the comfort she seeks. Erik had said nothing about how they had found out, and - he doesn't know if Erik knew or not, so the anger that starts to rise in the back of his throat is forcefully pushed down]

I'll listen. [he finally says, after a moment too long of silence. Rough and quiet]

Kitty. [ That was her name. Still, old habits die hard and codenames had become natural to Raven; that's why she was Mystique, Sean was Banshee, Janos was Riptide. It was easier, but some people slipped through the cracks - Hank would never really be Beast and Erik would never really be Magneto, even if that's what the rest of the world called them. It's just how it worked when you were too close to someone and she knows it now in a way she hadn't when she was so much younger and playing around with her powers at tha CIA. ]

She told me. It sounds - bad. [ Which is an understatement, but Raven doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't want to talk about a world where Charles is dead and some other version of herself doesn't seem too concerned about it, being an "ally" and nothing else. She's Charles' sister and even with the distance between them she knows that she would mourn him for the rest of her life, would cry and break and practically lose her mind if he was taken from her, if someone dared to try and kill him.

Hank's arm around her brings her away from the morose thoughts and she tilts her head up, watching him for a moment before she swallows. He says he'll listen and, really, she thinks she needs to tell someone. There was only her and Erik that knew the truth, that knew what the Government had done to their kind, their Brotherhood, and she has to get it off her chest. She had seen too much, suffered too much, and she had borne it on her own shoulders because she had to, with no one else to turn to. ]

Azazel and Angel were killed in a firefight not long after we left - 1963. It was July, I think. [ Raven's voice is quiet and low, and she speaks almost hoarsely - because it hurts. They were her friends and they were gone. ] They were ambushed while they were asleep and their bodies were taken to Trask. He cut them up and examined them so he could use what he learned to make his machines to kill us.

[ Her voice gets quieter and quieter, more hollow as she continues, the hurt bursting inside of her and dragging her down. ]

Emma was killed as well - I don't know how they snuck up on her. Before I went to Paris I snuck into Trask's office pretending to be him and I found all his files. All of them. They cut off Angel's wing. They had Azazel on a slab - they probably couldn't see anything but his red skin, but they'd have done what you did with me and looked at his genes to try and make machines that could teleport. It would be easy to damn him, right, because he was red and had a tail - as if it mattered, as if having wings or tails or blue skin made us evil or monsters.

[ She breathes out, shaky, and lifts her hand to wipe at her eyes - a single tear slips through, just as it had then. ]

Yeah, it's - bad. [and he's happy to leave it for another day. Because talking about Kitty's world brings the topic of Charles' death, of what another version of him turned into, and - that isn't something he wants to talk about.

But - she talks, and he listens. There's no love lost when it came to Azazel or Emma, but he'd never wanted either of them dead. And Angel . . . they'd all bonded that one night, and when Hank could talk about those days, he always spoke of her too, because she was once with them. She had left like Raven did, for something she believed to be better. He couldn't fault her for that. And Sean - how he had even gotten involved, he had no idea, and he didn't want to ask.

And they had died, for what they were trying to do for mutants, for simply existing, for having the gall to be different despite none of them even having a choice. No one in their world chose to be mutants, they were still human, and -

He can't react. He can feel his anger swelling as Raven goes on, all sorts of emotions he can't settle on, and he has to force it all back down. Mostly, anger that she had to deal with all of this on her own, while he and Charles dealt with their own problems in the mansion, with Erik in prison, and there was Raven, shouldering it all.

He lets out a sharp noise, his arm tightening around her as much as he dares]

I'm sorry. [what can he even say to all of that? What can he offer that isn't just words and comfort?] I'm - I'm sorry you had to deal with all of that on your own. That you lost your friends. [it doesn't feel like enough]

[ Raven appreciates Hank's words because she knows he means them; there's a kind of hollowness that haunts apologies from other people, idle words that don't really mean anything, and they just make the pain worse. So many people didn't care about mutants or their suffering, so many of them didn't give a damn as long as they didn't have to worry about being a part of it, burying their heads in the sand and hiding away, but there were people who did care. People like her, people like Hank, people like Charles. They all cared in different ways, but at least their caring meant something.

More importantly, Hank listens to her. Raven was used to being cut off, spoken over, and being independent for so long had made her so much stronger and far more proud than she had ever been before, and she refused to let herself be spoken down to. The fact that Hank listens, he doesn't try to make her think that she over reacts or goes to far... It soothes a rattled part of her and she breathes out, resting her head on his shoulder and accepting the comfort that he offered because it was there and it was him. She would have to get used to the feeling eventually, but maybe she could revel in the novelty for now.

Still, there are some things she still had to say and she tilts her head up to look at Hank, careful and sure even as she takes a deep breath. ]

Thank you. But - I know I dealt with it alone but it was my choice. I could have come home but I didn't want to, and I didn't feel like I should. [ Maybe she ought to have, maybe she should have come back and helped with Charles and all the grief and pain, but hindsight makes the world far clearer than it was during the experience itself. She knows she would never have been able to go back, even if the idea of it makes her uncomfortable.

For a moment she's quiet, uncertain, but then she tilts her head up to look at Hank with searching eyes. ]

Hank? If I tell you something - do you promise not to hate me?

[he understands that, at least objectively. Would he have rather her came home and dealt with it, with him and Charles so she didn't have to do it on her own? Absolutely. He would have rather learned everything from her, if given the choice. But he understands, and he nods, and it's enough to push his anger down the rest of the way, for now. Until it can explode later, when he isn't worried about overwhelming himself while still trying to be her support]

I - get it, I know. [he winces a little at how it sounds and quickly continues] I mean - I know what it's like to make that choice. Dealing with it on your own and all.

[and she looks at him and - his brows furrow, utterly confused. Why would he hate her? What is all of this all of a sudden? There's a pit in his stomach and he isn't sure why]

I wouldn't hate you. Don't - be ridiculous, you know I could never hate you.

[ This is the difficult part, she thinks - this is the bit that's going to be hard. Along with all the death and the pain there was something good hidden with it all; something she had clung to, and even if she can't tell Hank everything she knows he has the right to know some things, especially with how things are changing and reshaping between them. She can't lie to him, even if it's a lie by omission, and her eyes search his face for a moment before she breathes out. ]

I know, it's okay. We've both had to make choices we shouldn't have had to - we didn't deserve what happened to us. None of us did.

[ Slowly, slowly, Raven shifts up and turns so she's facing Hank properly. It hurts her heart, but the words have to come - and she has to tell him before they figure out what they're sharing, whatever is happening between them. If he wants her then she could have it, she would want it too, but it has to come with honesty and trust because that had been shattered between them. ]

You - you have to understand that I never thought I was going to come back. I didn't really think I would ever see you again, and I... Hank, I wanted to move on. So I did, at least for a little while. [ Raven frowns, trying to find the right words; it's hard and she can't truly express how she feels about Azazel, not really. ] We were a Brotherhood, and we were a family. But I was closer to some of them than others, do you understand? Someone in particular.

[ And it wouldn't be Erik, who was the leader and more of a family figure to her (despite her bedroom antics before they left) and it wouldn't be Sean or Janos, who rarely spoke. There was only one person, really, and she knows Hank is smart enough to pick up on it. ]

No . . . none of us did. [that much he can admit to, past the guilt for everything that's happened. Has said as much to Charles, when they were discussing similar things.

And . . .

Oh.

It's this conversation.

He can't . . . even pretend that he doesn't know already. He had wanted to hope, of course - that the other worlds had been different in this respect, that Raven hadn't - had a relationship with Azazel in their world, and yet here it is.

He doesn't look surprised, at least. It borders more on accepting and exasperated and - no, he can't be hurt. They had gone their separate ways, and he knows that]

Azazel, right?

[that's it, that's all he's saying]

[ The fact that it doesn't seem to surprise him should irritate her, but it's more of a relief than anything else. It makes the burden easier, as if she can come to grips with what she wants from Hank and what she wanted in the past, too. It's not as if it makes it all perfect, as if they could just move on and go on happily, but it helps. Just a little, at least in her mind.

It might not be the same in Hank's.

While she isn't exactly ashamed of herself she does feel a bit of discomfort, moving her hands away from where they had been so close to Hank, letting her body shift back too. Her hands end up resting on her legs, fidgeting anxiously, and she nods, once, a slow, careful thing. ]

Azazel.

[ She ends up breathing out, closing her eyes as she speaks. ]

I don't need to explain it, or excuse myself. I'm not sure what I should say, since it was us and not you. But you deserve to know because we - you and I were -

[ Kissing. And touching. And being close again and even in the mansion she had wanted him. It wasn't fair that something this big was kept from him, at least for now. ]

[he lets her move away, but it isn't because of the reveal - again, it's on her terms, and - this is a conversation too awkward to have while they're cuddled up to each other.

He isn't sure what he wants to say, and it's obvious in the way he reaches up to take off his glasses, needing something to fiddle with as he gathers his thoughts. Thoughts he's pushed away time and again because he didn't want to acknowledge it.

Finally he sighs, and - he can't help it, he huffs out a noise and rolls his eyes]

I wouldn't ask you to explain yourself. We weren't - together at the time, and it - it isn't as though you aren't allowed to . . . to have other relationships.

[HE HATES THIS CONVERSATION] I don't hate you. I'm not even - angry about it. It doesn't change how I feel about you. [even if that part comes out almost petulantly.

A pause]

But you should ask me how I know. Because - if you don't I'm going to keep putting it off.

[ A petulant, teenage part of Raven doesn't want to talk about this and she watches Hank, watching to see if there's any sign that might give her a chance to run away and avoid the topic now that it's up in the air. The problem is that Hank seems so certain, as if it was knowledge someone else had told him - and, knowing this place, it might well be. She doesn't know what happened before she woke up here and she doesn't know what everyone else knows; she only knows what she herself can offer Hank, right here and right now.

Still, she's oddly charmed by his awkward fumbling, fiddling away as if she wasn't baring her heart to him in her own way. Admitting things like this is hard, but - she knows what she wants, and what she wants is to spend more time with Hank, bridge the unspoken thing they never managed to work out before she left. ]

It didn't change how I felt about you, either. I know I was hurt, that night, and I know that I wanted you to see what I did, but - it doesn't mean I ever stopped feeling how I did. Ten years doesn't feel like a long time when you look in the mirror and nothing changes.

[ It only felt like a long time because of the pain, and the heartache.

Hesitantly, though, she leans forward, fighting back the frown on her face. The answer seems obvious. ]

The other mutants.

[never in his life has he been more thankful for the serum, because it limits what he can react to and - boy is it helping now. Along with the mess of - everything that comes with this, he's suddenly more nervous than ever, and he doesn't stop fiddling with his glasses. Cleaning invisible stains on the lenses over and over]

You - kind of made that obvious when you stopped at the mansion. [it's a weak attempt at humor, and he smiles briefly to get it across] And when - you came over here the first time. I know how you feel, and you know how I feel, so - so it's - it's okay.

[he glances up from his glasses briefly and meets her expression, his own nervous and like he wants to flee]

Yes, but - [he's going to do it. He has to, before another thing is sprung on her without warning]

There's two in particular, though. They're - both named Kurt, but they come from different - versions of our world. [he looks back down at his glasses] And - they're both teleporters, like Azazel. [and then back up, to watch her expression] With blue skin.

[ Hank keeps fiddling and playing and Raven knows something is going to come - he wouldn't be so nervous otherwise, and her eyes dance over him features before she takes a deep breath. For a moment she's scared that something awful is going to happen, but the words come out and she tenses, almost frozen in place. The names come and all of it links together and she almost recoils, shaking her head. ]

Hank, I - [ She swallows, and she tenses, looking away. Her hands clench around nothing and she shakes her head, not able to look at him right now - because she can't. She can't handle it and she wants to go back to the easy comfort of laying with Hank and knowing she's wanted, being able to devote her whole attention to him rather than having some of her mind focussed on being human instead of mutant. ]

I can't talk about - that. Please. [ Teleporters with blue skin. She knows what it means and she knows what Hank knows, or thinks he knows, and she shakes her head, closing her eyes. ] Not right now. There's been too much already and I think my brain is going to melt and I can't, Hank, I just can't, all I wanted -

[ Breathing out, she shakes her head again. ]

All I want is for you to kiss me and tell me it's going to be okay, that - that everything here will work out. It's selfish, I know, telling you all these things and wanting so much from you, but I can't help it. I can't help myself when it comes to you.

Edited 2016-05-15 03:18 (UTC)

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