driftfleet | Let's all hold hands and sing Kumbaya

[So many cardigans for sunshine and beaches, but he also doesn't wear them anymore. Not since...]

We're going to have actual privacy aren't we? Not just the doors are closed, but no one hearing us through the walls. Okay, that's pretty great. How long do you think we can afford to stay here? [She hadn't checked out their prices yet, but she's getting pretty excited about this idea.]

[ not since. the ghost of reid is always haunting him, in the back of his mind. a part of him, that bitter nasty part he doesn't like to admit exists (but who does, really?) always wonders if a reid substitute is all he is. he wants to distance himself from the man, but it's really hard to accomplish when all he knows about him is...what they have in common. clothes are easy to change. the rest of it... ]

Well, I haven't checked how thick those walls are - but they're bound to be better. [ and in any case, at least his best friend won't be next door. ] As long as you like.

[ he'll find a way to pay for it if he has to sew til he drops. let's face it, it's not all that different from what his life has been like lately anyway. it also won't be necessary, the pay may not be great, but neither are the expenses. and...he's pretty sure she's gonna help him pay for it despite what he said. right? ]

Can I say the whole time? Because I kind of want to just live down here while we can. Vision gave me some starter acorn money too. He sold off some of the chemicals he bought on the moon. [How is he even real? He's so relentlessly nice and thoughtful.

Also, she's getting the feeling that it's important for Winn to pay for this for her, but also that he might go to extremes if necessary to do it. Money is only as important to her as being able to do things with it like eat better food and stay here. The two of them should easily afford that, right? Maybe she can just buy the extras?]

-- you have a great Captain, you know that?

[ he wouldn't trade jim for all the riches in all he worlds though. it's remarkable because when he first met the guy he thought he was weird and kind of a jerk, and now he doesn't want to imagine his life without him - even though in working to get home that's the life he's working towards. ]

And I was hoping you'd say that.

[ he leans over to kiss her, suddenly filled with this...overwhelming appreciation for himself? what? he pulls back and quirks a brow at her. ]

...okay that's new.

I do know. [It's probably one of the reasons one of them transferring to the other's ship hasn't come up. He has Kara on the Tourist and he's comfortable with Kirk. No one there scares or intimidates Winn as far as she knows. Then she has Kurt and she likes her ship mates and her captain. She has a feeling she'd butt heads with Kirk if he tried to "lead" her and he's kind of within his right as captain. It's also early. No reason to bring it up even if they are spending their nights together on one ship or the other. And even if they are both apparently very okay with the idea of living together here on the planet. Still, it's still a vacation scenario if a very long one. Maybe it's not a move they're ready for in the long term which is good since they don't have a good option available to them.]

And I was hoping you'd hope that. [She moves in for the kiss only to find him moving away again.] What? [Did he hear something. She scans their surroundings, ready to defend against a threat if necessary. And yet she already has a sense that's not what he's talking about.]

[ they're basically living together, only instead of choosing one of their rooms over the other - they alternate. other than the constant need to shuttle, it's an arrangement winn is fairly comfortable with; he gets to spend a lot of time with kitty, but he still has some space of his own, some semblance of privacy when he needs it - and boy does he need it. on the planet - it's easier. they can just go for a walk. but in a spaceship? he's good as is. ]

You didn't -- feel anything weird? Here - let's try this again - don't go intangible on me -

[ he leans for a longer kiss, trying to pour in how much she means to him right back at her, and throwing in some of his unquenchable curiosity because he really can't help it that was freaky and he needs to understand it. oh sure, he figured out the touching phenomena, but he's never had anything this clear in his head, yet. then again, he hasn't been touching anyone nearly as long, or as intimately.

holy shit, what's gonna happen when they get dirty? he's not sure if he should be more excited or afraid. ]

[She's good with the arrangement on the ships for now. It worries her if an emergency did come up that they could be more likely kept separate though.]

As if I'd go intangible on you. [She kisses back feeling largely curious and confused at first, but then she's feeling a swell of his affection for her in the kiss and not the way she normally does. This fills her as she gets lost in the kiss. It's overwhelming and she holds on to him even after she needs to breathe.]

Wow. [She gets it now. She gets what he was referencing and she's not sure where her own curiosities end and his start.]

[ he just pants for a moment, trying to catch his breath. when he speaks, it's with a smile that's not sure if it's more excited, curious, overwhelmed, or just unbelievably in love. ] Right?

[ she tells him she loves him all the time, but the difference between knowing and feeling - there's no apt comparison for it. nothing at all. ]

Either, one of us just developed a new power or the locals have some explaining to do. [Which they'd do quite willingly. She just hadn't thought to ask, because how would this ever cross your mind?

She's reaching up, brushing back his hair and still feeling him. Not just the texture and softness of his hair against her fingers or the press of his body as they hold each other, but feeling his tumble of emotions. She's a little calmer about it. She's had her mind linked with others before. The first was Jean Grey who helped her when she was first brought into the X-Men. Kitty had been so scared. She was a mutant but she'd never been around other mutants unless they were hunting her. The X-Men saved her, but she didn't know if she could trust them. But she was also so exhausted from being running and being alone. Jean's presence in her mind was startling at first, but then calming and reassuring.]

You feel good.

All that work on Plato had to give me something besides a sense of accomplishment -

[ that it's a joke is even more obvious than usual. he knows it's the planet he just...had no idea it could run so deep. it should be freaking him out. it is freaking him out but - it's not freaking him out as badly when he can feel her calmness inside of him - somehow a part of him, and yet still separate. he can feel the familiarity of this situation he knows he's never experienced before in his life, he can feel the warm fond presence of a long lost friend, coloring the experience in bittersweet shades of longing and love. ]

You feel -- unbelievable. [ as in, he can't believe someone actually feels this way about him. all his life people have been casting him aside; for vengeance, for a life separate from the regrets and shame brought on them by his dad, for someone more interesting, less damaged, cooler, manlier, less absurd. but kitty's not like that. he can literally feel her love and as freaky as this experience is - as terrifying considering everything he's been trying to keep hidden - he would never want to miss out on this. he's just so grateful. ]

[She holds him tighter.] Of course I love you. [As if he'd said something verbally to respond to which he didn't. But he has been amazing to her from the beginning—accepting, thoughtful, loving. It didn't hurt she was attracted to him right away either. She didn't mean to fall for him. She just couldn't help herself.]

[ this feels good. this feels...really good. he's been so bad at talking. saying how he feels...as much as he wants to do that, wants to be the man she wants him to be, the man she deserves, it's so hard for him to shake off the feeling that he has no right to talk, and the words they just...don't come. and yet here, now, he can have that reassurance he so desperately needs without having to say a single word. it's amazing, and it's making his eyes well up with tears at how overwhelming it all is - how overwhelming her love is. he never thought he'd get to matter that much to anyone. ]

Not even a little sorry.

[ for messing up her plans. he's terrible at casual relationships, always was. he only knows how to care fully, to commit completely, and with kitty? he never stood a chance. she had him blushing when all she was was a face on a screen, so once they met in person? there was no hope for him. he kisses her forehead. ]

We should get to that inn. [ because if they keep this up he's going to end up crying and some privacy would be great for that. ]

[She laughs softly, knowing what that's in reference to when it doesn't feel like she should know.] Neither am I. [And she's pretty terrible at casual relationships too. Even when she was with Tyki.]

Don't cry. You'll make me cry. [She can feel his need to get to the inn and it's encouraging. She doesn't let go, but she does shift so they can just walk hand-in-hand.

You think thinking about baseball'll work here too?

[ holding off on those tears is really hard with all those incredible feelings of hers coming his way, but he tries his hardest to blink them back. it's a good thing he's got a lot of practice at not crying in front of people. silver linings can be found anywhere, if you look hard enough.

he hastens his steps. ]

Possibly, because we might get into a fight if you support any team other than the Chicago Cubs. Even if they don't exist in your world. [She's kidding... She's also kind of serious. Don't fuck with the Cubs.] Pizza was one thing, but this would be way too far. [Your girlfriend is into baseball. It's okay if you want to picture her in nothing but a jersey or nothing but a baseball cap.]

Will we get into a fight if I said I never watched a game?

[ he's sorry, kitty, but your boyfriend finds baseball boring. he's never been the athletic type, and, well, it's not the most exciting game to watch, either. ]

I'll totally support the Cubs, though, even make you a jersey if you can describe the logo to me.

[ don't...just don't. he hears it, he's beating himself up for it already. no, I don't watch sports but I can make the uniform. that imaginary lesbian lover of hers would be more of a man than he is sometimes. ]

Never watched works for me. [She was just starting to get really excited about the idea of a jersey when she can feel the shift. That stupid, off the cuff comment she made obviously really bothered him.]

Winn... [She looks up at him, trying to bring him to a stop again because she wants to say this not just think it at him.] You are perfect just like you are. I don't need some stereotype of a man. I want a real person. A partner. With their own likes and quirks and skills and fears and everything. I'm sorry I ever made you feel any less than that. [Thing is her thoughts line up just perfectly with the words here. He found himself an honest girl who speaks her mind a lot of the time.]

[ it takes him a moment to stop avoiding her eyes, and he really wants to take his hand back now, because he hates that she's feeling this. no one should feel this - not just because it's humiliating for him, to have someone know that this is what goes on in his head - but because it hurts to feel that way. it hurts a lot. unannounced and uninvited, the memories of the women who rejected him because he's just like one of the girls start pouring in, and if that had been it it would have been fine - he could've handled that! - but with them they drag along the horrible things kids used to call him when they weren't picking on him for being monster jr. the horrible things they could do to him because he was too weak to defend himself. because he wasn't enough of a man. a particularly nasty day comes to mind, involving a toilet that wasn't flushed, and he breaks contact because kitty doesn't need to feel that.

he shakes his head. blinking back these tears is much easier. he's used to pretending he's not hurting. pretending he's not happy is what's new to him. ]

...come on, even you don't think I'm perfect. [ he can't seem to lay off the joking. the surge of her feelings was really comforting and he laments having lost it, but he can't bring himself to subject her to the landfill that is his head. they were having such a nice time, why did he have to go and be himself about it? ]

[It's overwhelming at first as she starts seeing these pictures of him in the past. Not just understanding him or feeling his emotions, but actually seeing what must be memories. Each one is more hurtful than the one before it and she wants so desperately to protect him then and now from it.

She reaches for him, but stops herself because he should be able to pull away so that he isn't letting his memories flood into her.] I just...really, really wants to be able to hold you right now. [She can see he's hurting even if she can't feel it anymore.]

Just...gimme a sec.

[ thinking about baseball isn't going to do him any good here, he's trying to perk up not put himself to sleep. ok video games. ok game nights with kara. there we go - kara would never make fun of him like this, even if she occasionally rolls her eyes at him in a way he'd never admit is hurtful. neither would james, or alex. kitty, kate, jim, cisco, hank, margaery, sascha, he's got too many friends now to name them all without leaving anyone out in one go. who would've thought! ok, his smile loses some of its strain, and he offers her that hug. ]

Sorry. [ he never meant for her to feel that. his issues feel so small and petty in comparison to what everyone here has had to deal with. if he wants to be manlier, he just has to man up and change himself. it's on him to....not be him. he kisses the top of her head. he can feel how much she cares, how genuinely she aches for his stupid meaningless pains, and it fills him with guilt. she shouldn't be burdened by this; he's fine. always was fine, always will be fine. he's had it so easy. he's starting to suspect he's lead the most sheltered life of anyone on the fleet. he doesn't belong here, the boring, useless, depowered, weak, normal human that he is. but since he is here, the least he can do is be there for the rest of them, without burdening them with his own crap. ]

[She tightens the hug and as his feelings start peeking in again she wants to shout at them. Tell them they can't make her Winn feel that way. How can she defend him against himself? What a powerless feeling.] Winn, Winn... Your pain is as valid as anyone else's pain.

[ her need to protect him makes him smile, even as her tight embrace makes him grimace a little as she's digging directly into one of the more tender bruises kirk left on him during their lessons.

powerless - that's how he feels every day. it's a terrible feeling he wouldn't wish on anyone, especially the woman he loves, and yet...he's the one doing this to her. he knows letting go isn't going to fix it, though, it'll probably only make her feel worse, worry more. sometimes, he really just hates himself. ]

Kitty, it's nothing. I'm fine. I'm really lucky. [ his planet didn't explode, his civilization didn't break down, he didn't watch his friends die, he didn't live on the streets...how can his being bullied be as valid as any of that? it's not. he should be over this by now. a real man would've been. ]

[She relents on her hold slightly, shifting her hands to different points. She might have noticed the physical reaction on its own but with the empathic connection it was clear. There's a little concern, but not overly much. She's used to bruises. It's more surprise than anything and she's curious, but it's not where her mind is focused right now.]

We're all lucky. I mean, there's always someone with it worse as long as we're around to tell the story of what happened to us, but it's not a competition. Things can still suck for us. I want to be here for you just like you want to be here for me and we're both probably going to be full of fears of being left again and guilt from something that isn't our fault, but at least we're being a little messed up together?

[ he breathes a breath of relief when she shifts; once again, not tough enough to pretend that didn't hurt. he just feels like such a failure as a man today. ]

Kitty...it's really not the same. I'm fine - bullies are practically a right of passage for my kind.

[ of course, his nerdiness might've been able to skate by most of them if he weren't the son of a murderer, if that label hadn't followed him around every day at school and every night at home, if he had a single safe space to hide in. but that doesn't matter - at the end of the day all it is was bullying. he's alive, barely even physically dented anymore, just a chink on chin like scratch in the paint. so he lost his parents. he's hardly the first kid to, he lived with a houseful of others. to him, comparing it to what kitty's been through is like going crying to wrath with a paper cut.

it's not hurt he's projecting anymore, not mainly. he's a little bitter about feeling this way, and very guilty - for both feelings. he's also extremely self deprecating. ever since his mom left all the way up until he left for college - all he's ever heard was you have no right. the memories don't come up, just the ingrained sensation. ]

Not like that it's not. I can feel how relentless it was.

[She doesn't want to compare and contrast. And she doesn't bring it up with words, but it's hard for thoughts not to bubble up of memories where she would rescue people and be spat on for being a "filthy mutie." That was almost the best scenario. It hurt more to see people just shaking in fear around her—to know she was the monster in their nightmares when she was risking her life to make the world better for them. For everyone. There were exceptions—thank yous, hugs, or even simple neutral responses from people too weak and weary for anything more. But they felt slim in comparison.

She isn't thinking this outranks what happened to Winn in any way. For her it just makes her feel more connected to him. Like they have all this potential to just better understand each other on a deeper level which is something she craves. She loves him, but sometimes things feel almost shallow? Like she doesn't know him the way she would like to know him. And it's okay. Things are still new and it takes time.]

You have every right to your feelings.

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