driftfleet | [video/Action]

You have your survival mode - I have mine.

[ oh god it's moving - it's moving to bring the next chair over, and already he's grabbing the rail. deep breaths.

he's learned not to talk, not to cry, not to matter because these are all things that would've made him more of a target to the other kids. he's not sure how to explain fear and weakness to someone so brave and strong - and he can't help but worry that she'd mistrust him like she did margaery, that she'd lose respect for him because yeah, it was a weak solution.

but it kept him alive. ]

I don't know. That's the truth - your guess is as good as mine. [ if he knew what he needed to hear, he'd tell it to himself and get it over with. he hates being a bother like this, it triggers all his fears of abandonment. ]

[She can understand that. Survival mode. Okay. But why is he in survival mode so much especially around her? It still makes it feel like something she's doing to him.] I have fears and weaknesses too.

And I'm not going to lose respect for you or leave you.

[She can also feel his fear of heights breaking through the connection loud and clear. She tries to radiate calm back at him.]

[ because she reminds him of that time in his life when it was needed. she wants him to do the one thing he knew he was never allowed to because it would get the life kicked out of him. he's never dealt with it, he's never had help, he's never tried, and opening it up for the first time like this...brings back all the demons. ]

Kitty - [ he sighs, thinking back to her suggestion of what else could go wrong with his augment, of how she and kara thought that kid him had to be so cute. ] as a kid, I was just like Margaery. I would've stood here and told you that everything was great and the kids at the orphanage were my best friends and I'm so well taken care of. [ heck, he still does it as an adult - didn't he try to downplay the hell out of how he was treated? oh yeah the scan was just for legal reasons. oh yeah, she's not going to lose any respect for him. ]

I'd smile, and I'd lie through my teeth, and that's what kept me safe. [ safe - he wishes he ever felt safe there. it kept him around. ]

And I've been trying to change - not because of you. Because I want to, because I know it's wrong, even back home. I've been trying to change because bottling things up and not sticking up for myself is a move I learned from my dad, and it's a bad move. But it's the move I've used my whole life, and it's worked, and it's hard to get rid of. [ and he's failing, and he's letting her down and letting himself down, and he hates it about himself, and oh god they're going higher now. ]

[She shifts in closer to him as if to protect him from the heights. She can't do a lot about the rest of it or at least she hasn't found a way to help much with it yet. She wants to. She wants to so much.]

I want you to feel safe with me. I guess I'll just keep trying to prove you can. [It's not something she can force or beg him to feel. It'll only happen when and if it happens.]

This isn't -- [ he sighs, smiling a little in discomfort. how can he explain it? ]

I've never told anyone about this, not even Kara. The only person in my life right now who even knows what happened to me after my mom left is -- you. [ not kara, not jim, not cisco. he hasn't even mentioned his mom to most of them and - they never asked. he doesn't volunteer this information. he mentioned his mom left and his dad's in jail to kate - but that's it, and hank didn't even get that far. the things he's told kitty he told her because she asked - because she makes him feel that she cares. but it's hard, it's really hard and frustrating to feel that no matter what he shares -- it's never enough. their relationship progresses really fast - but it's still really new, they haven't even known each other six months. why can't anyone understand that this takes him time? it took him years to even tell kara his dad's not a good guy - and if he hadn't broken out of jail maybe she still wouldn't have known the specifics. charles wanted him to tell him everything and open his mind to him instantly. kitty wants him to tell her everything, be past all his inhibitions, and he can't do that, and he hates disappointing people and it hurts.

his fist tightens around the rail, hanging on so tight it loses all color. he can't bring himself to look at her because he just feels so close to snapping in frustration because he's doing everything he can he tries so hard and he's never good enough, he's never going to be good enough, but he can't look out at the view either because it'll terrify him, so he just stares at his feet. ]

[She can feel his fear mounting and soon it feels like it overrides all the other traumas in the moment and she feels terrible for suggesting this at all because he's here because of her and she doesn't want this for him. This is definitely the opposite of making him feel safe and if she didn't think it would be much worse she'd just air walk him down to the ground right now.

She does the only thing she can think to do to make any of this better and she focuses everything she has on the memories of riding as a child. Of the feeling of freedom and exhilaration and wonder.]

[ it's the feeling he gets when he figures out a really complicated hack or here -- when a project comes together. it's a feeling he knows, and can connect to - but wasn't expecting right at this second, and the surprise of it actually allows it to burrow its way underneath his fear.

he has a seemingly endless capacity to feel, and on top of everything else that he has been showing her, a deep sense of appreciation comes through as well. sure, her superpowers are cool, and saving lives definitely qualifies her to be a hero. but it's stuff like that that make her his hero.

he lets go of her hand, but only to wrap his arm around her shoulder, scooting closer so there's no distance between them. he's scared, and he's hurting, but all of that gets shoved aside in the face of her support.

taking a breath, he makes himself look out at the horizon. not down - but straight ahead. this is safe. this ride probably makes thousands of trips without incident, there's no reason this one should be any different. and if it is? kitty can air walk. and if for some reason that doesn't work either - all he has to do is scream and kara will find him. ok, so she got a heads up from the feds when she came to save him from them, but even so...he believes in her, he believes in both of them. they're not going to let him fall.

literally, or metaphorically. ]

[It's working and that feels better than she could have imagined. She keeps focusing on those memories and feelings for him, but there's love there too. So much love and understanding and commitment. He was right about needing time. She's been bad about allowing for time in the past and she doesn't want to make that mistake with him. She wants to do this right. She wants it to last.

She rests her head on his shoulder and looks out as their surroundings from the higher vantage point. It's a beautiful world. She wonders if earth was this beautiful before it was ravaged. She loved the skyline of Chicago with it's shops and restaurants and museums and, of course, Navy Pier and the ferris wheel, but she didn't get out much in time to see the natural wonders she only looked at in movies and books.]

[ he physically relaxes against her as he feels her really understanding where he's coming from. it moves him to his very core; not only does kitty care enough to do simple basic things like ask him questions and really want the answer - but she also cares enough to respect the fact that some of these answers are going to take time and effort. that's not something he takes for granted.

he presses a soft kiss to the top of her head. ]

So what's your second favorite ride?

[ he makes an attempt at resuming conversation, hoping they can keep on a happier track this time. he really did want so desperately to make today perfect for her - she was so excited about the carnival and he was so excited about getting to take her somewhere she really wanted to go... ]

Um, merry-go-round? [That's a lie. It's the roller coaster, but you'll for give her this one lie she hopes. She doesn't even mean to be particularly convincing. She just doesn't want to put him through this at high speed. If it is something they can enjoy together that will be the best for both of them.] And there are some games.

[ he laughs softly because that's sweet. as much as he hates holding her back - he loves that she gives him his tiny tiny pride. it's a protectiveness that he sometimes wishes kara would feel for him. sometimes, jokes sting. ]

I'm sorry. [ on ground level - he's the best date to take to a carnival, he's fun and goofy and will try anything. but that's a pretty limiting provision. his fear hasn't really held him back from doing too many things back home - ok, he misses out on flying with kara, but that's about it because it's not like he has money to spare on airline tickets - but here it feels like anything worth doing requires he deals with it. he feels like he's ruining the carnival for her. ]

I'm pretty good at the games.

Your apology is no good here, sir. There's no one I'd rather be with. [She nuzzles him softly.] Who else would put up with me?

Absolutely no one, I'm a saint.

[ the joke would be painfully obvious under normal circumstances, but sitting as close as they are, it comes through loud and clear that to him it's still shocking that she hasn't been snatched up by someone else, someone better, because how can anyone not fall in love with her? it was so easy, so instant for him. the very first time they talked he was already into her. after the first time they met he already couldn't stop thinking about her. and the first time they kissed...she blew his mind. ]

I'm glad you recognize it. [She wishes he recognized it. She thinks about that awkward, tense moment when they met and she wanted to kiss him, but she didn't. It wasn't exactly a slow burn for her either. When Kara told her that he'd been interested in her it was complicated but also...there was relief that he wasn't actually with anyone.]

[ he hasn't been with anyone for a very long time, especially seriously. and he's never been in a relationship anywhere near this intense. he's never been with anyone he's felt loved him every bit as much as he loves her, and it's still really weird, in a way. a subconscious part of him is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. ]

I am very smart. [ he may not be an everything genius like her ex (always coming up short. it's infuriating.) but he's pretty brilliant in his own right. he's just a little slow in this particular subject. he's been burned a lot. ]

You are. But if you keep thinking about my ex, I might get jealous. [She kisses his cheek. Hoping that was playful enough to keep it light.]

Sorry, I'll switch to Cisco.

[ his playfulness loses something when they're connected like this. it's hard for him, not to be jealous or resentful of reid. it's actually kind of impossible. he doesn't think of cisco just then, he thinks of james, and how obvious and frustrating the whole thing had been from day one. how much pride he had to swallow to sit there and tell the guy to just go for kara already, he was hurting her, he was hurting lucy, and frankly he was hurting winn by forcing him to have that conversation. when it comes down to it...more than anything he wants the people he loves to be happy. even when that means he won't be. ]

[It just gets hard sometimes with the link. She misses Reid. Not for scary reasons. She doesn't want him back. It was pretty clear whatever they had once was broken and gone, but he had been her best friend for quite awhile there and she misses that part of him. She wants to know that he's safe and happy. But she can't know any of that.

She was about to tease back that Cisco was a much better choice when she sees images of someone she doesn't recognize and has the oddest sensation of being jealous and resentful toward him.] Who? ...James?

...yeah.

[ and if he sounds surprised it's because...he is. he hasn't been thinking about people from home nearly as often as he feels he should've. he wasn't prepared for the sudden memory, and the feelings that come with it. he and james may have the weirdest friendship ever but...it's a friendship. one of very few friendships he had back home and that means a lot to him, even if james only got him as part of the kara package deal, even if they don't really understand each other and he's spent most of their relationship being jealous of the guy. it's the best he had. when he goes back there with kitty...maybe they can have something better, something more equal. he can be genuinely happy for him and kara now. ]

No need to be jealous of him anymore, right? [Not that he couldn't be jealous just of him taking his friend's time.]

[ it's a little more complicated than that; he wasn't only jealous of james' success with kara - it's everything james represents. he's confident, handsome, tall, strong, masculine, cool, good with words - all of the things that winn isn't. things that people have been leaving him for his whole life.

and he did monopolize kara's attention. it had hurt so much, when he was trying to open up to her, let her know how he felt about her - and all it took was for james to walk in the door to turn him invisible. no longer being romantic rivals makes things easier between them but...they still have issues between them. ]

I'm over Kara. [ because that's what he thinks she's asking. and saying it -- also feels kind of good. he didn't think he'd ever get here but he agrees with kara now - their friendship is so good right now. and she wouldn't have given him what he needs. he never knew it before because he's never had someone like kitty in his life -- but she's exactly what he needed. ]

I know you are. [She kisses his cheek. She hadn't meant to fish for that. She trusts him to be with her. And she'd understand if there were some lingering feelings and attraction.]

I think you're the whole package, you know? You don't have any romantic rivals.

[ he can't say the attraction's gone, but it's turned into more of an aesthetic appreciation. kara is beautiful, but with every passing day he sees her more and more like family. it's a good feeling. ]

Kitty, the guy's a titan. [ he knows he's no troll but -- come on. he wouldn't have picked himself over james either. ]

Sooo, you think me and James should give it a shot? [Can you feel how little interest she has for that? It's none. Zero interest.]

That's not funny.

[ ok it's a little funny, but a part of him is so insecure that even though he knows james is in love with kara and kitty is in love with him and neither one of them would want to hurt him like that -- it still makes him nervous. what if when he takes her back to national city, she'll see him the way everyone else sees him back home? boring, silly, eye roll worthy winn. only good for solving your tech problems. ]

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