driftfleet | [video/Action]

She knew what she was getting into when she met me.

[ he heard her - when she said she's tired of fighting. he won't assume she'll join forces with kara when they get back home (when, always when). they could have a simple life, and he'd be just as happy and proud of her.

he'll still help kara, though. ]

Besides, Supergirl comes with the best toys - oh my god their computers - Kitty I'd sell my soul for that setup - [ not literally, but he'd give up most things for it! oh, the deo may be a scary shadowy organization, but they have the best tech ]

Winn, I can assure you she had no idea what she was getting into when she met you. [She says it so fondly and with such love coming through the connection. She never could have predicted any of this.

She finds herself listening to the flow of his thoughts and musing quietly for a moment.] I don't know how tired I am of it. I miss it a lot too. [Helping people, but also the camaraderie, the action, the thrill.] I don't really know what I want.

But when we get there we should definitely work on a more intense computer setup for you. [She bets she could help with that. Even adapting tech they can come across to be more functional.]

[ that wave of affection stops all the joking retorts he comes up with in their tracks, and instead he just smiles at her. ]

Well, we can decide when we're home.

[ god, does it feel good to say it out loud - to say it to kitty. he hated having to keep it in, it felt like it was eating him up inside, like he always had to be on his guard not to slip. being able to say it is unbelievably liberating. ]

I'd love that. [ building computers with the love of his life? yes please! ]

[It may still feel more like fantasy than reality, but she likes hearing it too.] You really respect everything I say to you, don't you? [The way he fought himself to keep that secret from her when she protested once or thinking of her wishes with battle. It's a "power" she's not used to having.]

Of course I do. [ he shrugs. he loves her, he respects her - that means he takes everything she says to heart. he's always been very good at listening, and with kitty - he's always actively trying. ]

I should make sure not to say anything carelessly then. [She leans against him, arm wrapped around him.] What should we do first?

...Oh. You're afraid of heights. [She hadn't forgotten, but she had kept it separate from the idea of the rides until her eye caught the ferris wheel. Which brought up certain memories being pinged at every angle. Her and Reid, happily in love and riding a ferris wheel together even though he was nervous. Him telling her he won't leave her.]

You should say whatever you wanna say.

[ he doesn't want her feeling like she has to be on her guard around him, that's not any fairer to her than his feeling he couldn't talk is to him. of course, he's fine with not being fair to him, because having her at all is already nothing short of miraculous.

he's about to respond, when her memories come flooding in, and everything about him clenches. this is why she wanted to come here? again, he feels that uncontrollable pang of anger, that raging jealousy and bitterness towards her ex. oh, he was nervous too. is he also afraid of heights? but he got over it for her. he's always coming up short around reid. well fuck that. he's reclaimed toys from his dad - they can reclaim the ferris wheel from her ex. ]

I work in a high rise and live on a spaceship. Let's do it. [ the strain is clear in his face, in his voice, and in his heart. his intense reaction to reid overshadows his fear for now. ]

[She doesn't realize he's seeing it too until she can feel his reactions to it through their connection and all she wants to do is protect him from it. Might look odd to passer's by that she suddenly stops to hug him. Or maybe it will just look like a happy couple.]

No, no, that isn't why I like carnivals.

[And then she tries—really tries—to focus her thoughts so he can see and feel them. This time there's a young girl, maybe 8 years old with the same coloring as Kitty. She looks bright and happy. Innocent. And she's bouncing up and down on her feet asking her tired looking mom and dad if she can go on the ferris wheel one more time. And then a burst of hugs and thanks as she gets her wish and gets back in line.]

And I always want you with me.

[ he returns the hug a little awkwardly at first, hold tightening when he sees what she's trying to show him.

it breaks his heart, but at the same time it's not quite enough to break away from the intense inferiority, anger, and jealousy he feels about reid, which just makes him feel worse. it also calls back to mind what he was like at that age...how happy, how carefree...he wants to bring that back for her, if only for a moment.

he kisses the top of her head, his voice softening. ]

Let's go up. I'll cling to you, it'll be fun.

[She can feel that it doesn't wipe it away for him, but she knows he's trying for her. Because of course he is. He always fights for her. It's something she didn't feel from Reid at all at the end. She nods against him, rubbing his back before she pulls away to smile at him.] I know it will. It's with you.

[She gives his hand a squeeze.]

[ she's one of the few truly great things he's had in his life since he needed more than two hands to count his age - he's always going to be fighting for her.

he leads her to the back of the line, and tries to think of something to say to break the somber mood that has fallen on them. ]

I always went for the bumper cars.

[ and that's probably the wrong choice to make, because the memory of him and his dad laughing so hard, being the terrors of the rink, comes up so naturally with it. he hasn't been to a carnival without his dad...ever. this planet has been bringing up a lot of those good memories, and he's not sure how to feel about that. ]

[She rubs her thumb over his hand.] I don't know if they have those here, but we should look.

[She looks at him thoughtfully, and decides to say something.] There's nothing wrong with being fond of the good times even if dark times followed. [But she does know the struggle. She really, really does. But she is never going to judge him for it.]

[ a lot of that strain comes back. ]

I don't wanna talk about it.

[ a little sharply. they're trying to have a good time, and she doesn't understand. if his dad had died - of course he would want to remember every last good memory. if his dad had "just" left him - he'd want to hang on to the good times that proved that he did love him - it had to be something else that got in the way. but his dad had to go and murder half a dozen people and now when he thinks about how close they were, how similar, how much they loved each other - he's thinking about how close he was, how similar to, how much he loved a murderer. everything is tainted by his father's actions. his best friend in life proved to be a psychotic murderer. the person he's most like in the world - a psychotic murder. that is not a good feeling, that's not a feeling he wants to hang onto. but it was how things went down, and as much as he hates his dad for what he's done - he's still his dad, and a part of him can't stop loving him, can't stop hoping that he'll find his way back to the man he was before - it's too late for their relationship, but winn needs to see him go back. he needs to know there's a way back. not to redemption - he committed murder there's no redemption left there - but to sanity. to compassion. to remorse.

getting on the ferris wheel and feeling some simple fear would be a welcome distraction at this point. ]

[She just nods and looks down and away from him. This isn't how she wanted any of this to go. She was so excited to meet up with him and show him the photo and to have carnival fun.

She does have experiences similar to his. They weren't with her parents. They died before they could ever really disappoint her. Before they could even possibly be disappointed in her. But there was Logan who she looked up to in the X-Men. The man who trained her. The man she modeled her fighting style after. The one who was like a father to her before he left the team. Left her. It had been hard for her, but that wasn't the part that tainted things. No, that came here in the fleet when Kurt told her that he became their new enemy. The new Apocalypse. The man who slayed all of their remaining friends. And the thing is...

She still misses him. She still loves him even if she kind of hates him too. But even with the similarities she and Winn are different. She's not afraid that Logan's turn means she'll take one too. She worries about the things she's done and her potential for others, but she doesn't think she'll lose her mind. She thinks the path to darkness is more subtle than that. Little choices.]

[ for a bitter moment - he wants to pull away. he always wants her to tell him things, he's happy that she's sharing with him - it means she's dealing with what she went through, it's healthy, it's good, and he wants to be there for her. but right at this moment, when it's connected directly to his feelings, in a completely illogical emotional level, it feels like she's taking something from him. he already feels like he has no right to talk, and that part of him that remembers that all too well, that remembers years and years of being told he's a little freak just like his dad and to shut the hell up because all he deserves is jail and all the worst that comes with it - interprets the situation that way. shut up, everything you've been through, I've been through worse. logically he knows she's connecting to him, understanding him, feeling for him. but that sullen part of him that's too used to disappointment to be open to anything else only ever hears one thing.

he squeezes her hand, conveying support despite of it - pushing what he's feeling aside because it doesn't matter - too big a part of him is convinced it never matters - and climbs onto the ride, grateful that it means letting go, even for a moment.

just taking that seat is enough to start the anxiety coming. they're going to go so high up oh god why did he think this was a good idea again?

he tries to offer her a little smile. ]

[She looks and feels agitated for a moment before looking at him directly.] It matters and I want you to talk about it! [A few other people turn their their heads at the surprise outburst that followed only silent connecting between them.

And a moment after she shouts at him, she also deflates because she doesn't want to shout at him. She wants to hold, protect, and comfort him.]

What am I doing wrong here? [Her voice is soft this time. How is she constantly silencing him when that's the last thing she wants?]

[ he jumps in his seat when she shouts, looking like she just kicked him. he hasn't been shouted at...since national city, and he knows the intensity comes from how deeply she cares about him which never ceases to amaze him but it also takes him completely by surprise because kitty has never raised her voice at him before.

they're getting looks, and it's making him uncomfortable and maybe going up in a ferris wheel is the worst idea ever right now -- but maybe it's also the best because nobody's going to be listening in on them here unless they have superhearing.

or. kitty keeps shouting. he nods for her to get in. ]

You're dating me. [ it's half meant as a joke - but it's really also an explanation. she didn't choose herself a man who's competent at this, she picked someone who's pretty damaged in this particular department. ] Come on, I'm not going up there by myself.

[She settles in next to him, still holding his hand. They could possibly use a break from the connection, but of course she isn't letting go when he's about to get on a ride that scares him for her sake. And possibly to prove something about him and Reid which is less touching and more troubling.]

No, I mean it, Winn. [Help her, help you.]

You have your survival mode - I have mine.

[ oh god it's moving - it's moving to bring the next chair over, and already he's grabbing the rail. deep breaths.

he's learned not to talk, not to cry, not to matter because these are all things that would've made him more of a target to the other kids. he's not sure how to explain fear and weakness to someone so brave and strong - and he can't help but worry that she'd mistrust him like she did margaery, that she'd lose respect for him because yeah, it was a weak solution.

but it kept him alive. ]

I don't know. That's the truth - your guess is as good as mine. [ if he knew what he needed to hear, he'd tell it to himself and get it over with. he hates being a bother like this, it triggers all his fears of abandonment. ]

[She can understand that. Survival mode. Okay. But why is he in survival mode so much especially around her? It still makes it feel like something she's doing to him.] I have fears and weaknesses too.

And I'm not going to lose respect for you or leave you.

[She can also feel his fear of heights breaking through the connection loud and clear. She tries to radiate calm back at him.]

[ because she reminds him of that time in his life when it was needed. she wants him to do the one thing he knew he was never allowed to because it would get the life kicked out of him. he's never dealt with it, he's never had help, he's never tried, and opening it up for the first time like this...brings back all the demons. ]

Kitty - [ he sighs, thinking back to her suggestion of what else could go wrong with his augment, of how she and kara thought that kid him had to be so cute. ] as a kid, I was just like Margaery. I would've stood here and told you that everything was great and the kids at the orphanage were my best friends and I'm so well taken care of. [ heck, he still does it as an adult - didn't he try to downplay the hell out of how he was treated? oh yeah the scan was just for legal reasons. oh yeah, she's not going to lose any respect for him. ]

I'd smile, and I'd lie through my teeth, and that's what kept me safe. [ safe - he wishes he ever felt safe there. it kept him around. ]

And I've been trying to change - not because of you. Because I want to, because I know it's wrong, even back home. I've been trying to change because bottling things up and not sticking up for myself is a move I learned from my dad, and it's a bad move. But it's the move I've used my whole life, and it's worked, and it's hard to get rid of. [ and he's failing, and he's letting her down and letting himself down, and he hates it about himself, and oh god they're going higher now. ]

[She shifts in closer to him as if to protect him from the heights. She can't do a lot about the rest of it or at least she hasn't found a way to help much with it yet. She wants to. She wants to so much.]

I want you to feel safe with me. I guess I'll just keep trying to prove you can. [It's not something she can force or beg him to feel. It'll only happen when and if it happens.]

This isn't -- [ he sighs, smiling a little in discomfort. how can he explain it? ]

I've never told anyone about this, not even Kara. The only person in my life right now who even knows what happened to me after my mom left is -- you. [ not kara, not jim, not cisco. he hasn't even mentioned his mom to most of them and - they never asked. he doesn't volunteer this information. he mentioned his mom left and his dad's in jail to kate - but that's it, and hank didn't even get that far. the things he's told kitty he told her because she asked - because she makes him feel that she cares. but it's hard, it's really hard and frustrating to feel that no matter what he shares -- it's never enough. their relationship progresses really fast - but it's still really new, they haven't even known each other six months. why can't anyone understand that this takes him time? it took him years to even tell kara his dad's not a good guy - and if he hadn't broken out of jail maybe she still wouldn't have known the specifics. charles wanted him to tell him everything and open his mind to him instantly. kitty wants him to tell her everything, be past all his inhibitions, and he can't do that, and he hates disappointing people and it hurts.

his fist tightens around the rail, hanging on so tight it loses all color. he can't bring himself to look at her because he just feels so close to snapping in frustration because he's doing everything he can he tries so hard and he's never good enough, he's never going to be good enough, but he can't look out at the view either because it'll terrify him, so he just stares at his feet. ]

[She can feel his fear mounting and soon it feels like it overrides all the other traumas in the moment and she feels terrible for suggesting this at all because he's here because of her and she doesn't want this for him. This is definitely the opposite of making him feel safe and if she didn't think it would be much worse she'd just air walk him down to the ground right now.

She does the only thing she can think to do to make any of this better and she focuses everything she has on the memories of riding as a child. Of the feeling of freedom and exhilaration and wonder.]

[ it's the feeling he gets when he figures out a really complicated hack or here -- when a project comes together. it's a feeling he knows, and can connect to - but wasn't expecting right at this second, and the surprise of it actually allows it to burrow its way underneath his fear.

he has a seemingly endless capacity to feel, and on top of everything else that he has been showing her, a deep sense of appreciation comes through as well. sure, her superpowers are cool, and saving lives definitely qualifies her to be a hero. but it's stuff like that that make her his hero.

he lets go of her hand, but only to wrap his arm around her shoulder, scooting closer so there's no distance between them. he's scared, and he's hurting, but all of that gets shoved aside in the face of her support.

taking a breath, he makes himself look out at the horizon. not down - but straight ahead. this is safe. this ride probably makes thousands of trips without incident, there's no reason this one should be any different. and if it is? kitty can air walk. and if for some reason that doesn't work either - all he has to do is scream and kara will find him. ok, so she got a heads up from the feds when she came to save him from them, but even so...he believes in her, he believes in both of them. they're not going to let him fall.

literally, or metaphorically. ]

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